Who cares?

I don´t want to be in your heavens
neither on this hell,
´cause I knew those matters
what made you shrink so well.

I don´t like you
you´re not like me
we´re not liked, though.

Yes! The reason is simple
you or I remained single
for there´s a simple truth:

"You may indulge in having intercourse with almost any…
But you cannot live with an acquaintance -if there´s no trust, the commitment of love and the fellowship of ideas and the same faith."                    A. Toro.  

Deadly thoughts (a true life story made short)

“If love truly existed for me 

I surely missed it out,

because a life gropingly lived

was spent now to be screwed up...”

A.T.

He died a Thursday and that was generally known next day. River knew it the very night and called known ones next day. 

-Who's this?

-Hello , Tony! It's just to inform you Cesar died... Are you going to see him?

It wasn't good new to start a day. Tony was shocked and barely awake. 

-Don't tell me that! It's hard to be believed... So his sickness overran.

-We're going there now, Tony! Where are you?

-I'm in Ccs. ASAP I'll be there, but I will not see his corpse.

Tony was delayed another day. One of Cesar's sisters also called him up to ask why he wasn't there, so he asked her confirmation on that piece of news, to be sure enough he wasn't wronged or lied.

-Of course! He died! Otherwise I wouldn't be calling you.

-I'm sorry! I needed to confirm. I thought he would be healed... 

River came first than many. It was a rainy day in that town and the morgue also was late in delivering Cesar's body after the autopsy. 

-He's coming soon! -Jorge said.

-But he is gone! So I'd better go my home first to care my dogs and things there. The moment his corpse arrives, please, give me a call -Said River. 

Her dogs were waiting hungry inside her car. She went on top of that mountain and, several ours later, Jorge phone called her.

-He has come! He is home now.

-Thanks! I'll be going any moment the rain stops... It's pouring!

“Where's home?” River thought. “The place where we belong...”

The place was crowded. The soil was wet and the air fresher, but it was hard to normally breathe.  The  moment River arrived she needed to take her breath to calm down and, having a seat, she looked around, amazed.

-Wow! He was popular and cherished.

-Hmm! And today that's going nowhere. -Said Charles.

-How are you, Mrs River? -Asked one of Cesar's siblings.

-Sad! As many of you... This grievance, for a friend passed on, is not easy to bear.

The moment Tony came in he felt uncomfortable for those who stared at his entrance. There were too many cars and the people at the parking lot made it a mess. He walked clumsily to reach his ex sister-in-law and these two shared a good moment talking.

-You haven't changed! I'd dare to say you look better than 10 or 20 years. Will you tell me what's your secret? He! He! 

-Ha! Ha! I don't know it. Perhaps that's God's grace.

-Probably and how are your children?

-They're are okay! At home with my husband. 

-You did right! I never permitted Joshua were present in a funeral, less when his sister died.

-I rather keep good memories of the dead... Have you noticed this big crowd?

-I'm amazed too!

Few minutes later, they talked about their family issues and she informed him of things he ignored.

-Thank you, Mary! I'm glad you spoke well on behalf of me.

-They're your children! And those days they spent their vacations at the beach, I told them that clearly.

-Wow! If it were not for you, I wouldn't have known... Thanks! By the way! Allow me to share with you what Elisha thinks. Here I have some SMS he recently sent, so we can work together to help him somehow. I will leave you my mobile phone, so you'd read whatever you are pleased as long I'm here. Do it freely! I have nothing to hide.

-Where's Mrs. Cecil? -Asked Tony, who recently arrived into the entrance hall. 

-I don't know yet! -River said. I guess she's somewhere the kitchen or elsewhere.

-I want to express her these bitter condolence no one likes to share.

Cecil was deeply wrapped in hugs, tears and affective attentions. People from several states came to be gathered at Cesar's funeral, and most of these knew Cecil's issues with the heart.

-My esteem and condolence to you, Mrs Cecil.

-Mrs River! -Cecil said, poring out more tears.

-Relax! Relax! Your son is my son; but this sorrow, and this burden, seem to be bigger than this choked breath a troubled mother regrets.

Meanwhile Tony stopped alone in front of the simple coffin of his friend. He looked at it placed at the left of that crowded room and those colored flowers at the floor didn't match its disagreeable sad brown. There were two girls parked watching the corpse through an open window, and he reluctantly touched it, as it was something man-made of cold faked wood. He wanted to say few words there, but he just thought them and walked on to meet Cecil.

-Hi! -He briefly said to some women he met, and walked into the kitchen.

He wasn't in the mood of greetings. He lightly touched some hands, while gritting his mouth and teeth, just to avoid showing his core emotions. Vague echoes seemed to fill in the blank of ignored voices. 

-There you are! Cecil said at his entrance. We expected you to go to the hospital, because every time you came he was filled with joy and peace. 

Tony felt shook. 

-Every time you spoke to him he was cheered up.

There were three people the least touching her wide shoulders. The lawyer and her sons were presenting their condolence and several others were almost aligned for a turn to talk to Cecil.

-I'm sorry, Mrs Cecil! -Tony said. I had planned to go, but I felt overwhelmed with sorrow and bitter frustration.

-We wanted you to go! -Cecil sweetly cried, shedding more tears. 

-I'm sorry! -He said tearfully, while he tried to control his disclosed weeping. 

Tony was now observed and felt the embarrassment of that predicament.

-I felt helpless! I wish I could have done something more than that, because that son of yours was also my brother and my friend. And that wasn't easy to me, too... I gotta go! I can't be here any longer. I don't want to increase your tears neither mine, because he is not dead. He is alive in here, my heart, and I don't want to see him dead.

He left them weeping! Before he reached the parking lot, Mary, his ex sister-in-law, pulled him by his arm to get his attention.

-Wait! Wait! Don't leave this with me... Here's your mobile.

-Oh! Thanks! Did you see what I said? -Tony said.

-Yes!

Mary moved her head affirmatively and needed no word after looking at his sadness.  

-I'm leaving! -Tony said. I cannot be here.

But those tears were already seen by the multitude he usually avoided. 

-I understand! May the Lord bless you more.

He walked his way, but there's no way to hide those tears. 

-Where are you going, Colombian?

Tony turned around to see who was calling his attention but, at the same time, he quickly waved good-bye reluctantly, trying to hide his face on the road he walked thinking of his children.

-Life is a dimming glimpse of joy! -He thought to himself. Cesar wanted to live and died like a thought. 

Next day Tony walked nearby River's house. He was on his way to visit his children but she shouted aloud.

-Hey you, hermit! Come down here!... Let's talk a little.

-Hello! Could that be later on? -Tony replied. I want to see my children first.

-How long does it take you? Asked River.

-I guess an hour! Do you need something downtown?

-Yes! Please buy me a bottle of rum at the liquor store.

-Hmm! Bring me your money, then.

-Of course! Same way as usual, big man.

River walked up that ramp until she reached her fence with the money. It was a light greeting chat they postponed until Tony's returned.

-How are your children?

-I don't know! I couldn't see them, but I tried... After Cesar has ceased I felt I liked them the more. 

-Who would have thought he'd die that way? He was young and strong, and we highly have planned he would finish this house he was building.

-I don't know River! Perhaps we're thinking we live when we daily die. Do we need to be awake to fall asleep into the nightmares of life?

-Hey! Don't be disheartened. But, that answer I really don't know. Cheer up and com down!

They both sit at the entrance. Charles was somewhere doing things around the pool and River checked her bottle.

-Thanks! This is cheap but I'm aware alcohol cures no grievance.

-Hmm! Is it the real reason you like drinking? You are a lier! Ha! Ha!

-The moment I received this bad news I phone-called Leo. It was late that night and I wanted to know about my own son. You know how children are! And I told him: “...This time and hour I know where Cesar is dead, but I don't know where you are, my son...” I felt my heart contracted like a piece of paper. Few hours before, Cesar called me to thank us for the packages of blood we helped to be handed over there and, any moment, Jorge called me to say he was dead. Why do children die?

-I don't want to know why, River! 

-Then I told Leo: “Will you please take care of you? The one who repaired your house is dead, and I want you to come home soon”

Tony felt shook again.

-Wow! I know what you felt River. But, was it cancer? I never asked him.

-Yes! It was and he spent a whole years to die.

-He believed in Jesus, another different way we never talked, and he surely believed he could be healed soon.

-Really, Tony?

-Yes! But few days before I got upset the moment I knew his children were asking things about his real state. His sister told me when they asked me to go to the hospital, so my mind changed.

-What? I barely saw his children at the funeral the first day. It was because Mrs Cecil asked me about them and I checked if they were inside the multitude. 

-Weren't they there?

-My idea was that they have met their grandma. I saw their faces, but they weren't there. -River replied. I also asked about their mother and the petite told me “she couldn't come...”. 

-Hmm! That's easily understood, River! Cesar divorced her and I know how she is.

-Perhaps but, the moment I asked if they would be present at the procession, the next day, the smallest one told me: “None of us would come to bury him. We are under important college evaluations and these can't be postponed surely”.

-Really?

River wasn't drunk yet. He is used to Mrs River's talks but, this time, he was moderately unsure.

-You know me Tony! I was ultimately shocked when I heard the smallest one saying: “I'm glad my mother didn't come to this circus. I'm glad she missed it out...” I asked why she saw it that way and she said: “Look at it! See it by yourself! I don't know why this place is so crowded... I don't know these people.” Charles tried to speak to her, but I stopped him several times. She has “the right” to think things her own way.

-Was it too difficult to tell her those were Cesar's friends and people who knew him?

-It was her spitting bitterness! She seemed to hate all of them, and that couldn't be changed that way.

-Oh! I see. But that wasn't the way I knew them... Was it selfishness, concealed rage and anything else?

-Or something else! If she would have had the chance to talk to her dead dad, her feelings would be better known to us. 

-I knew her ex wife was somewhat blood sucking, but I wasn't totally aware they inherited that brood. I told Cesar the things I have seen several times going their house, but this annoyance is absolutely new to me.

-You said “annoyance”? That poisoned little girl seemed to lead her older sister and her brother, the one who studies medicine. I'm sure her bitterness comes from the questions her minds entertained: “Who's going to keep our life style? Our social status in college?” Because she's aware of her mother's limits, Tony.

-Who knows? I witnessed several times Cesar brought them cashed money. No one wanted to walk downstairs and it was just three floors to pick it up and, that day I was fixing their computer, I offered myself to bring that money their hands, and their mother told me she would sort that mess out, and that was when I saw that little girl you spoke another way, because I thought she honestly cherished her dad another way the bigger ones didn't show that day.

-Cherished? Ha! Ha! Mrs Cecil wondered why they didn't appear the moment her son's body was brought her house. She hadn't seen them when strangers met and greeted her with condolence. I asked them to go in, to comfort their grandma and, the most I insisted, an “uncle” appeared to take them away in a car which would take them “home”. 

-You're saying they left without seeing Mrs Cecil?

-As far as I know, they fled.

Will you miss purposely your mom's or father's funeral? Tony wasn't sure of the things he heard.

-Unbelievable, River! I hope nothing of this be said to Cecil. I don't want to break her heart twice.

-She probably knows it, Tony. Many people were there and, as far as I'm informed, one of those recently known children stood with him at the hospital. 

-Oh! Was it one I met last month? One thin teenager wearing glasses?

-Those he gave less love and attentions were the ones who stood his bedside, Tony.

-My God! He was so proud of these three he backed up more than those but, as he told me few days ago, he knew his ex wife better these last 7 months and, besides this, he repented his sins, the things he did wrong during their marriage... If he could see this mess, I find it hard he would find peace.

-Let me ask you, Tony! Why you also missed the funeral cortège?

-I'm not Catholic and surely would have disliked the things I have seen before. I won't say it all but, after my first daughter died, I promised it would be hard to attend to my own funeral.

-How come? It could be taken like a joke but I didn't know you had a daughter gone... Tell me more, please.

-Like I already said!... But she was beautiful and blond.

Tony got up and walked somewhere else. He tried to get unplugged the charger of his mobile from one of the walls.

-After several of my loved ones died I made my mind on this.

-How old was your daughter?

-I don want to think about it... Less than six, I guess.

-Did you forget it, Tony?

-I just don't want to think she's dead! -Tony quickly moved to hide he wept.  

-I'm sorry, Tony!

-Excuse me you, too! 

-During the procession Rose cried out loud, in front of the coffin, “How come you did this to us, Cesar?” The funeral cortège was several times stopped because also women wanted to lift his coffin in their shoulders...

-Poor Rose! It wasn't his guilt being liked and popular. -Said Tony, trying to lead that chat another place around. I understand her sorrow.

-They took him a long way...

-He was appreciated!

-Yes! Except by those children we know.

-I hope my children have enough friends to carry me into the crematory, at least. I donated my body to the university, but I'm not sure the place I would die.

-What are you saying, crazy thing? -River asked.

Tony tried to show his laughter but he was saying one truth.

-I hope my time do not come too late.

-That's creepy, Tony.

-Ha! Ha! If I lived the time I had planned, I would be badly in the need to get more friends or to hire mourners.

-You are a fool, man! You knew it?

-Ha! Ha! It's not a matter of joke, River, but just think it. I have few friends and these are passing by so soon these days. 

-I'm glad you are a bad copy of Dorian Grey. -She said.

-Agreed on! But don't call me Dorian Grave. Ha! Ha!

It was close to noon. And lunch time.

-I have to go, River.

-Tell me before you leave so soon. Do you think those kids will go to court to get money from Cesar's family or anything from his real state?

-There are provisions legally, but I hope those “college evaluations” get them busier for several years. These three seemed to seek benefits only and, to your own amazement, I only saw them visiting Mrs Cecil's by December. Just to get Christmas presents or those gifts they expected to receive on their birthdays... The ones you saw one single day, I saw during a couple of years, River.

-Did Cesar knew it well?

-I don't know! But I certainly tried to help him see that of his kids and, to my surprise, I believe he died without regrets, loving them the more.

-Sure, Tony! He told me something like that on the phone, the last time we chattered... 

Tony picked his things to leave and River delayed him more.

-Did I say Charles and I planned to prepare X-mas food next week, before we travel next month?

-It downs on me, Mrs River! So you both planned to have a good time together before this year end?

-Yep! We want you to pay us a visit in Caracas, so you could taste my fresh hallacas there.

Tony made his mind hearing it, saying nothing in advance.

-We're going to Margarita, Mérida and the Gran Sabana.

She largely explained those details, prices and those things she did to spare herself some money and he learned what could be learned of that talk.

-That's fine! I want to go. I need to cook my lunch, River.

-Oh! I forgot to tell you another thing... As you know Tony, my sister Fanny widowed few months ago. This time we've tried to give her more attention because she's childless and she has more free time after her working hours, and we don't want her to be depressed. 

Tony sat back to listen to her, again.

-Few weeks ago we attended to a party. It was late when we left it and the moment we left her at the entrance of her building, we drove away soon, thinking everything would be okay there but, when she reached her apartment's door, she couldn't open it and asked help her next door friend too early in the morning.

-Why didn't she called you up?

-She had left her mobile phone that party, so she needed her neighbor's phone to call me up. 

Tony was puzzled. He put his hand on a cheek just to listen more.

-Two girls could not open a single door! So her friend's husband woke up to give them some help. He asked why they took a long time to open that door and her own next-door friend had tried the keys Fanny had given her for “an unexpected emergency” like that. 

-Hmm? Was she drunk too? -Tony asked.

-She doesn't drink alcohol! She just left her door locked one way and it was another way when she returned home. That man suggested them to compare both key holders and soon after, he saw Fanny had three different safety locks the same main door and, the moment he asked for the next key for each lock, he knew all of them had the same combination, one mastered key, but you know the foolish things a lady has hung a key holder. 

-Ha! Ha! -Tony laughed. That man was also drunk.

-When they entered the living room, Fanny realized something was wrong when she saw a couple of things missing there. She's used to lock one single lock, the one in the middle, but that door was totally locked, the other way around she remembers when she left.

-Sherlock Holmes would see it differently... Ha! Ha! When is she going to change those locks?

-We already did it this week! But it downed on her it was her husband's children the ones who stole her jewelry, several shoes, some fine jackets made of leather and many things she missed the time she checked well her apartment.

-River! How come was it done? Did her husband gave his children a copy of that key too, in case of any “unpredictable emergency”?

-We don't know! (and I don't wanna know). The thing is, they want their part as heirs and that succession here takes long and, to sort it out soon, we've planned to buy her their cars and those properties cheaper and, so the moment she has shared that money with “his heirs”, she should have money enough to get these back.

-Oh! I see it! As I have read, she's the owner of half their fortune and, the other half, should be shared another half: 50% belongs to her perfectly and 50% should be equally divided, where 25% is hers and 25% will be given to his heirs. So she legally would own 75 percent of all.

-Sometimes you are smart, Tony!

-I wish I were! Otherwise I would have gone home... Poor me!... Will you mind telling me that the time you hear me I'd planned to remarry? 

-You don't need to be discouraged, Tony. Will you marry a problem, Tony? 

-Cesar's kids won't do the same Fanny faces but, who knows, River?  You married Charles and, if I was surely asked for an answer, you married him once, and you know everything about your husband. Has he been more than a problem? Will you marry someone like him (or the other) twice? 

Tony laughed the moment Charles appeared from nowhere. She opened that bottle of rum she got. She said nothing while pondering if she would prepare for her a drink.

-You have married twice, River! Don´t you?

She sighed after breathing to say.

-Right, Tony! Probably I would pick none if I had known. Ha! Ha!

-Don't drink too much, River! I gotta go... Be on the watch!

-Thank you, Tony!

Charles had something to say when he was coming in.

-I overheard that part where you were talking about me, Tony... If I was asked the very same question, I surely enough would chose River as my wife twice; but I know you were boot licking, because you want to eat her hallacas next week our home.

-Ha! Ha! -Tony laughed aloud, next time saying. What a compliment Charles you've made for River! No doubt you aren't boot licking, because I know you've loved her surely, but you also like to eat whatever she cooks... Was it the real reason you married her, Charles? Ha! Ha!

-Beat it! Beat it, Tony! It's getting too late and you won't get your share... Ha! Ha!

-Don't be so cruel, Charles! -Said River. I invited him home already.

-Hey, Tony! Next time I meet your ex wife... I will ask that question too!

-Don't do me that, Charles! -Tony said. You already know the answers, and it would hurt her “the most”... Ha! Ha!

A. Toro (November 23th, 2014)

P.S.

To those friends who are now gone...

Cultures: Hmong

            Yesterday I read, a little, about Hmong culture. I knew nothing about this Asian group of people and I´m glad I had the chance to compared it to my own local experiences in Venezuela and I also pondered with another social group I´ve briefly experienced for nearly 3 months, in the jungle: Pemon people.

I´m not an anthropologist, but I like to compare cultures to those I have read on the Bible and I´m sure you would enjoy traveling its pages when you see Hmong people have clans like Jews and some of their traditions look like Jewish liked to live.

Regarding emotional detachments, I also liked this part I read: “At some point during the wedding, an elder would come ask the bride if she has any old gift(s) from past boyfriend(s). If she does, she must give them those gifts and they will return the gifts to her past boyfriend(s). ” 

I smiled at this! :)  Have you left certain things really passed and left? Have any of you kept things you don´t want to leave totally out, in the past?

I´m glad older cultures knew it!

You cannot walk a new life looking at things back, same way Lot´s wife tried to do.

I´m OK if you keep those lessons life gave you to get more wisdom and to avoid more hurting experiences in your life but, are any of these holding you back to those emotional bonds you would let somebody feel down?

It´s obvious your past belongs to you! But, if you and I keep on living in the past, you wouldn´t be enjoying your present and, perhaps, you could let another feelings down.

Recently I learned there were several things I needed to get rid off. Some pictures can be gotten off with some feelings and I also prayed to be set free from unnecessary emotional bondage, because some of these were hindering my way to be united to someone God would send for me (to be mingled and utterly melted in marriage).

Hmong culture knew it!: “There is a saying that if a bride does not give her past boyfriends' gifts back, if he still really loves her and dies early, he'll come haunt her babies, which will make her babies cry a lot.”

Do you want your children to cry?

Do you want your loved ones to suffer, within a new promissory relationship?

Do you want to be left behind by present and its possible reality?

It might sound like a myth, but emotionally the ghosts of your past can hurt you, your future groom or bride, and your children. Hmong people knew it somehow: “The bride's maid's job is to make sure the bride does not run off with a man as, historically, many girls were forced to marry and would flee with their boyfriends.”

If you have enjoyed reading the Bible, you may cheer at those things I have cheered: How come these distant cultures have too many things in common? Humans are the “same” everywhere, I may say.

Benjaminites were not allowed to marry girls from their tribes... They were in trouble to be married (Jdg 21:7) and the same “love” story is widely spread on earth (Jdg 21:16, 18-23).

If you read about marriage and their culture, you might laugh at this: “Deu_25:5  When brothers live together and one of them dies without having a son, his widow must not marry outside the family. Her husband's brother must marry her and sleep with her. He must do his duty as her brother-in-law.”

Hmong people seemed to be doing the same! (Traditionally, when a boy wants to marry a girl, he will make his intentions clear, and will "zij" ("snatch") her during day light or night at any opportunity that is appropriate. This is traditionally only a symbolic kidnapping. ). Just compared it to that in Jdg 21:16, 18-23.

These people are allowed to be exogamous their own clan but, when some of them died, they played that caring role Jewish did. (When a husband dies, it is his clan's responsibility to look after the widow and children. The widow is permitted to remarry, in which case she would have two choices: she may marry one of her husband's younger brothers/ younger cousins (never to the older brothers) or she can marry anyone from an outside clan (besides her own)).

Hmm!

Hope this tiny-culture journey serve to know we all need the same.

A. T.

There´re birds feeling blue.

Wow!

Mom´s greeted me: “Father´s day”... Quickly I missed mine, my uncle and my children (Hope I could see them tomorrow).

Before this, I was concerned about my mother´s cages. She has several and, recently, she set apart her lovebirds away from the one I like: The blue one.

He came to my mother´s when my brother found him having felt off from its nest. He gave it to our mother and she put him into the cage where she has those lovebirds she is used to care of since I was a child (of course, old one are dead).

Several times my mother has asked me to pull them out their cage, just to teach them how to fly, just to help them find the birds they are, and I have liked such releasing ideas: All birds are to be free!

I´m considering the idea of having the blue one in my home land. I don´t know if it´s male or female, though I think he´s (she) missing part of his live inside a cage.

My brother, the one who rescued it, is unconcerned though he buys him their bananas, as well as he throws leftover onto “Pedroso”, my sister´s dog: My mother tends to take care on the things other´s thrown away (like me). Ha! Ha! Ha!

Why a blue bird is feeling blue?

As far as I have watched him, he missed his parents. These were used to visit him those days when he felt off and those were around the cage he shared with those lovebirds who looked at him as an intruder (a blue bird never looked like Aussie people).

The blue birds has become “my” favorite since he sings a lot, dearly, and I have enjoyed him inside my hands, just to teach him I´m not the cat who wants him to be eaten, instead, I want him to be inserted inside his own folk, away from the cats around this dead-end street where my mother lives, because I want him to live to the fullest, whether it be a female or a male bird.

He is sad because, by now, mom´s moved the Australian birds to another cage. She wanted “him” to jump and enjoy that cage alongside, but I know he feels sad because he is not any longer singing as he was used each morning and any time (If you don´t show your joy, if you seldom sing the way you used, probably you are depressed, feeling alone, and I believe this blue bird I´ve liked deserves the life nature God has provided for all).

Too many birds are blue! I have seen them mute, isolated, rejected, ignored and -apparently- unnoticed. I just wondered how many times “a bird” could be sad and blue, seen and unnoticed. I know there´s a purpose for all and everything but, this time, I see that physical isolation is another issue, it doesn´t matter you be isolated inside the very same cage: a bird is feeling blue.

A.T.

How does your mind works?

Coincidentally with something I recently wrote, I clicked on the trailer of another romantic movie I will not watch.

The 1^st thing I felt it was disgusting. I´m used that “Bella” was made for Edward Cullen and I surely thought that that unending love story would never be different... I´m talking about twilight. (Yes! I´m somewhat romantic).

How come I came to post this? I´ve seen some men apparently need to be detached (and I think I´m used too).

If you are like me, just watch part of the trailer. What do you feel?

The 1^st thing I felt it was disgusting. I said, to myself: “How come? Wasn´t it thought to be forever?”

Yes! I´m used to think it that way (and I´m not the only one who sees it so).

Part of me felt insulted. I could admit I liked “Bella”. I admit she needs someone better than me, so I gave Edward “my approval” though I would fight to get her (if I had the chance) and well aware of that I´m handicapped by a dozen of reasons. Ha! Ha! Ha! (I´m not too fictional! I have liked “Bella”, but I don´t like her anymore).

How does your mind works?

Don´t you feel an emotional rejections to things like that?

If you have wanted to be the new BF “Bella” has in that movie, I will not say what´s wrong.

If you have been “Edward Cullen”, I will not give my inputs.

My concern, in here, is helping you to see things detached: Have you loved “Bella” watching or reading that novel?

I liked her! But I didn´t love her when I saw she liked another.

After the 1^st movie / novel I was “OK” she loved another rather than me. Do you understand what I´m saying?

But, after watching that trailer of a SECULAR SAGA I don´t think fits my beliefs, something went wrong when I “saw” Edward Cullen somewhat leaving her and -as a real life experience- I saw something weird in “Bella´s” personal life.

I know you don´t like reading, so I will leave another link to ease that trip. Double click, please!

The 1st time I knew I “loved” someone in a movie I think it was Brooke Shields. When I saw she over-kissed Richard Atkins (or whomever he was) and did several things I thought I deserved, she broke my heart (that´s why I don´t girls/women above 5´5”) Ha! Ha! Ha! All of them deserve the same! Ha! Ha!

I´m serious about brokenhearted people. I feel sad when they are sad and -now- I´m lightly sad for me, I´m missing those texts messages I was getting used to receive, her phone calls and visits, her hugs and all those things I started to receive and get when I cared for someone who went her way, who chases her dreams, and she is is complete FREE to do what she does.

Will you think the same about “Bella” and Edward Cullen´s?

The “true” story behind a movie like that: If They were married, they could end up divorced.

( http://www.people.com/people/article/0,,20614722,00.html )

( http://www.people.com/people/kristen_stewart/biography/0,,20241359_10,00.html )

Here´s the tip for someone who needs to overcome his (her) love grievance: If you want to be detached, know the background from those you need to be uprooted.

I never planned to read that novel. I watched one movie to know why so many people were reading that bulky book and, of course, I read about Meyer´s background and, knowing she was married, I had my ideas... Not to be shared!

When I saw Bella´s 2nd boyfriend, I knew she was working semi-automatically under a BBD appeal.

Let´s agreed on: Jacob seems to be handsome, stronger, Etc., but what about you? You felt left, despised, hurt, just for another she / he picked and chose.... Didn´t you?

That´s a BBD and they are free (you too!).

It isn´t a matter of what you marveled with dear thoughts, not what you´ve planned or dreamed about that person you loved, you cared or wanted to be married: She (he) left!

And that´s ALL what counts to be detached.

Live one day after another.

Forgive them, forgive YOURSELF! And be thankful you were loved.

Aren´t you thankful enough that you were loved, even for few minutes, days or a month? I´m thankful, though. I recently loved and was loved: No regrets on it!

If you want to be healed know you would have loved her (him) more than you love YOU or GOD. Will you mind checking that spiritual realm?

If you´ve loved a person more than GOD you were screwed up from the beginning. Didn´t you know that?

If GOD was out of that love relationship, be sure that her/his leaving you behind was just a simple consequence of more people being hurt and left: If you don´t love GOD, you don´t love well.

If you don´t know the way out, some doors could be slammed -just at your faces- to show you what was wrong in a relationship that have ended up. Pray, forgive (forgive yourself privately and publicly) and renounce those feeling to get the needed healing to keep your life going on.

Simple as that!

In my mind, I still being young, and here are some words I wrote for a dear friend I wish the best:

“I wish I dare to fly

I wish I were your wings

I wish I crossed that mark

where lines with you begins.

No time to say goodbyes

no space to let them in

those thorns you felt that bad

will make you fly with winds.”

A.T. June 13, 2014

P.S.

Here are both links for you to use to compare and think, just to be detached from a broken love bond:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=nx2KQUUBjx8

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=4XRzdlDBkcg

P.S. 2

Here are some reasons I might have liked someone like “Bella”.

Personal life: Stewart lives in Los Angeles. She is interested in attending college in the near future, saying, "I want to go to college for literature. I want to be a writer. I mean, I love what I do, but it's not all I want to do – be a professional liar for the rest of my life."[65]

Althoughs:

However, Stewart officially acknowledged her relationship with (Robert) Pattinson for the first time in July 2012, when Us Weekly published photos of Stewart showing affection with her Snow White and the Huntsman director, Rupert Sanders.[69] The day the photos were released, Stewart issued a public apology to Pattinson at People Magazine, saying, "I'm deeply sorry for the hurt and embarrassment I've caused to those close to me and everyone this has affected. This momentary indiscretion has jeopardized the most important thing in my life, the person I love and respect the most, Rob. I love him, I love him, I'm so sorry.[70]"

Suddenly Single (May 2013)

“Seven months after winning back Pattinson, Stewart and her Twilight costar split once more, with the actor failing to show up at a birthday celebration she hosts for him. "Kristen has been in a terrible mood, and it was obvious that things were not great with Rob," a source tells PEOPLE, adding that it wouldn't come as a surprise if the pair were to get back together. “

( http://www.people.com/people/kristen_stewart/biography/0,,20241359_10,00.html )

The BBDs ( The Best Big Deals )

Today is a rare day! Last night it rained a little, I planned to go home to pick some stuff from my bedroom and I had no idea to think about, while I briefly checked my mind... I thought about the BBDs then I knew I have something to leave here on my records.

First, “Two people will not walk together unless they have agreed to do so.” Amos 3:3

Second, I don´t know what´s coming tomorrow (I never knew it) and, if I ever planned or dreamed about it, it could end up this way: "Son of man, you love your wife very much, but I am going to take her away from you. Your wife will die suddenly, but you must not show your sadness. You must not cry loudly. You will cry and your tears will fall, but you must mourn quietly. Dress as you normally do; wear your turban and sandals; don't cover your mustache, and don't eat the food people normally eat when someone dies." Ezek 24:16-17

So, what´s next then?

"You can enter true life only through the narrow gate. The gate to hell is very wide, and there is plenty of room on the road that leads there. Many people go that way.” Mat 7:13

While others could be preaching about whatever they think it best, I could be preaching the gospel of “being detached” and more if I could acknowledge I´ve living semi-automatically piloting my life for the BBD.

BBD - an acronym for "Bigger Better Deal". A term basically used when a man or woman temporarily makes due with someone as his or her mate, while actually still in search for a mate that bares superior superficial qualities for an ideal lover.

Each has gone to the Stats owing the possession of his / her human experiences (No one would deny what each has lived, not even God). Stats are personal and each should keep the records of what they learned, holding his / her Stats.

I don´t know about you, but I largely lived with the Best Big Deal. :)

By 1988 I felt in love with MP. Some time after we were on our love affair and things, she kissed another guy in a party and I wasn´t well informed furthermore what she did those days ahead, because one of her friends informed me what was going on while we were a BF and GF. That relationship ended up not for my infidelity or hers, but for my stubbornness to avoid celebrating X-mas or the things she liked to follow up as Catholic. While we were somehow “connected”, MM came along and, unaware of that she liked me more than a friend, I enjoyed her tenderness and it would have been another sin that I have touched her, since she was a virgin... Why I missed both? I wasn´t the man MP liked and MM wasn´t the girl I liked to be married to (so I was operating under the BBD).

When I became “Christian”, when I realized my core wrong doings (yet not completely known all of them) I tried to do this well. In short, I was left for not bringing what they wanted and -reluctantly- I would say I´m happy not having what they wanted: Things!, instead of me.

There are some names I could list, but we all were operating with the BBD software system.

Lately, thinking my life was led well, I fell of the stairways (again) and I´m happy I still use the same measuring pattern I´ve been developing for five decades, though there´s an unpredictable margin of errors I cannot calculate: I have not right to deal inside another´s mind (though some might have tried to crack me from the inside out).

Amos 3:3 is clear enough to show me we cannot walk without agreements, but I´m used to walk along. Sometimes I´ve been rude, selfish and so self-centered, but I have thanked myself for having changed a little, or superficially.

What if someone gets the temporal reward some might have shown as a trophy?

What if God has another plan while I was spending time to please my guts or visceral mind?

I must admit I failed (and sinned). Since youth I wanted to be vasectomized and finally I am... What for? It was to be selfish and to do it my own way, then Jesus told it the best way:

“The gate to hell is very wide, and there is plenty of room on the road that leads there.”

I have tried life a lot!

I´m not an achiever, when challenged I see where their things go, and this year I´m going to be 53. What do I need then?

Eternity isn´t in my priority but, it seems the soul and its software has to be changed and pulled off.

I don´t mind being thought as a liar, but we men have done the same, because I have seen some things too temporal and risky. I also have seen several persons´ red flags (and their concealed warnings).

I don´t like being put under my tests.

I´m not quite concerned when being evaluated and, when being drawn away from my comfort zone I don´t see what is sought, so I´m not there to please another´s caprice.

As long as the day goes by traveling home (my own) I´ll be thinking about White Snow...

“Hi ho! Hi ho!...”

A.T.

Virtual Detachments

Dating is not to be hidden. If you´ve done it so, someone or something has been limiting both genders and, besides, someone else could be hurt or feel upset.

If you are old enough, if you live your own adult life, in your own house, there´s no point in dating secretly. If you´re doing so, be sure you are not risking yourself or having another person under a risk.

Married people should not be dating.

Singles who lived under their parents care or roof, should respect parents role and authority (They do it so to protect you, somehow).

Nowadays several things are done online, I will not tell but, if you are having a virtual affair online, if you are dating a married one online -even sleeping with a married- you are under a risk, you are risking yourself (and probably other persons you think you´ve loved).

Today, by the way, I heard some is wooing at JL. That man was telling how the “news” was going on and, of course, there was something going on, same way Christians and unbelievers do their things. Are you sending pictures to be admired or poked, online?

A couple of years ago a friend of mine told me: “She likes you! See how many “likes” she is sending to EACH of yours pictures”... And he was right! She and I had an affair but, when that ended up, she asked me to remove HER pictures from FB and there´s no way to know what she did with mine, because I removed all those she sent -to me- showing her bathing suit and those where she wanted me to see...

Are you aware of this I´m saying?

Once the affair is ended up, both partners have to pull things back, there´s a moment of light or big crisis and both would claim for “privacy”, either online or in the eyes of their public. Could things be erased and finally hid?

There´s a self-reproach and, of course, no one likes his / her pictures to be seen in the company of the one they have left (or hurt). They stupidly talk back and insist on that and, the good thing is, the more they do that, they´re helping you to be healed if you were hurt, left, cheated on.

Believed or not, you can monitor (or guess) part of the things your chosen one is doing on line. There are “private” messages, SMS and more but, in social media, there are things than can be viewed (and prevented).

There´s a remorse: “Oh! I failed!” or “I was hurt” but you are not naive to know the wrong you did to be wronged. Do you?

Be thankful! Sometimes you need something like day to avoid committing the same mistake (more than twice).

“Delete my pictures!” Sometimes it is an order or a kind petition but, when you give a thing: Will you ask THOSE things back?

If those pictures were a wedding ring, I would agree! Particularly if this belong to your grandmother, mother or cost you an eye. Ask it back! Get it, sell it or throw it into a lake, but don´t ask those undeserved things: Just because you gave them with love... with you all!.

Someone who plans to keep his / her life on, would like to ask you to clean all your records. She or he wants that life clean (just to avoid gossiping or ill spirited reactions or just public censorship).

Give them all you don´t need!

Luk 6:30 Give to everyone who asks you for something. When someone takes something that is yours, don't ask for it back.

Though, don´t erase the lessons you´ve learned. These might help you to avoid turning your back to similar mistakes (or sins).

You cannot control what others do, but you are self-controlled on your own things.

They have the right to keep their things going on and don´t let them rule over yours (this includes also me).

A.T.