Who cares?

I don´t want to be in your heavens
neither on this hell,
´cause I knew those matters
what made you shrink so well.

I don´t like you
you´re not like me
we´re not liked, though.

Yes! The reason is simple
you or I remained single
for there´s a simple truth:

"You may indulge in having intercourse with almost any…
But you cannot live with an acquaintance -if there´s no trust, the commitment of love and the fellowship of ideas and the same faith."                    A. Toro.  

Deadly thoughts (a true life story made short)

“If love truly existed for me 

I surely missed it out,

because a life gropingly lived

was spent now to be screwed up...”

A.T.

He died a Thursday and that was generally known next day. River knew it the very night and called known ones next day. 

-Who's this?

-Hello , Tony! It's just to inform you Cesar died... Are you going to see him?

It wasn't good new to start a day. Tony was shocked and barely awake. 

-Don't tell me that! It's hard to be believed... So his sickness overran.

-We're going there now, Tony! Where are you?

-I'm in Ccs. ASAP I'll be there, but I will not see his corpse.

Tony was delayed another day. One of Cesar's sisters also called him up to ask why he wasn't there, so he asked her confirmation on that piece of news, to be sure enough he wasn't wronged or lied.

-Of course! He died! Otherwise I wouldn't be calling you.

-I'm sorry! I needed to confirm. I thought he would be healed... 

River came first than many. It was a rainy day in that town and the morgue also was late in delivering Cesar's body after the autopsy. 

-He's coming soon! -Jorge said.

-But he is gone! So I'd better go my home first to care my dogs and things there. The moment his corpse arrives, please, give me a call -Said River. 

Her dogs were waiting hungry inside her car. She went on top of that mountain and, several ours later, Jorge phone called her.

-He has come! He is home now.

-Thanks! I'll be going any moment the rain stops... It's pouring!

“Where's home?” River thought. “The place where we belong...”

The place was crowded. The soil was wet and the air fresher, but it was hard to normally breathe.  The  moment River arrived she needed to take her breath to calm down and, having a seat, she looked around, amazed.

-Wow! He was popular and cherished.

-Hmm! And today that's going nowhere. -Said Charles.

-How are you, Mrs River? -Asked one of Cesar's siblings.

-Sad! As many of you... This grievance, for a friend passed on, is not easy to bear.

The moment Tony came in he felt uncomfortable for those who stared at his entrance. There were too many cars and the people at the parking lot made it a mess. He walked clumsily to reach his ex sister-in-law and these two shared a good moment talking.

-You haven't changed! I'd dare to say you look better than 10 or 20 years. Will you tell me what's your secret? He! He! 

-Ha! Ha! I don't know it. Perhaps that's God's grace.

-Probably and how are your children?

-They're are okay! At home with my husband. 

-You did right! I never permitted Joshua were present in a funeral, less when his sister died.

-I rather keep good memories of the dead... Have you noticed this big crowd?

-I'm amazed too!

Few minutes later, they talked about their family issues and she informed him of things he ignored.

-Thank you, Mary! I'm glad you spoke well on behalf of me.

-They're your children! And those days they spent their vacations at the beach, I told them that clearly.

-Wow! If it were not for you, I wouldn't have known... Thanks! By the way! Allow me to share with you what Elisha thinks. Here I have some SMS he recently sent, so we can work together to help him somehow. I will leave you my mobile phone, so you'd read whatever you are pleased as long I'm here. Do it freely! I have nothing to hide.

-Where's Mrs. Cecil? -Asked Tony, who recently arrived into the entrance hall. 

-I don't know yet! -River said. I guess she's somewhere the kitchen or elsewhere.

-I want to express her these bitter condolence no one likes to share.

Cecil was deeply wrapped in hugs, tears and affective attentions. People from several states came to be gathered at Cesar's funeral, and most of these knew Cecil's issues with the heart.

-My esteem and condolence to you, Mrs Cecil.

-Mrs River! -Cecil said, poring out more tears.

-Relax! Relax! Your son is my son; but this sorrow, and this burden, seem to be bigger than this choked breath a troubled mother regrets.

Meanwhile Tony stopped alone in front of the simple coffin of his friend. He looked at it placed at the left of that crowded room and those colored flowers at the floor didn't match its disagreeable sad brown. There were two girls parked watching the corpse through an open window, and he reluctantly touched it, as it was something man-made of cold faked wood. He wanted to say few words there, but he just thought them and walked on to meet Cecil.

-Hi! -He briefly said to some women he met, and walked into the kitchen.

He wasn't in the mood of greetings. He lightly touched some hands, while gritting his mouth and teeth, just to avoid showing his core emotions. Vague echoes seemed to fill in the blank of ignored voices. 

-There you are! Cecil said at his entrance. We expected you to go to the hospital, because every time you came he was filled with joy and peace. 

Tony felt shook. 

-Every time you spoke to him he was cheered up.

There were three people the least touching her wide shoulders. The lawyer and her sons were presenting their condolence and several others were almost aligned for a turn to talk to Cecil.

-I'm sorry, Mrs Cecil! -Tony said. I had planned to go, but I felt overwhelmed with sorrow and bitter frustration.

-We wanted you to go! -Cecil sweetly cried, shedding more tears. 

-I'm sorry! -He said tearfully, while he tried to control his disclosed weeping. 

Tony was now observed and felt the embarrassment of that predicament.

-I felt helpless! I wish I could have done something more than that, because that son of yours was also my brother and my friend. And that wasn't easy to me, too... I gotta go! I can't be here any longer. I don't want to increase your tears neither mine, because he is not dead. He is alive in here, my heart, and I don't want to see him dead.

He left them weeping! Before he reached the parking lot, Mary, his ex sister-in-law, pulled him by his arm to get his attention.

-Wait! Wait! Don't leave this with me... Here's your mobile.

-Oh! Thanks! Did you see what I said? -Tony said.

-Yes!

Mary moved her head affirmatively and needed no word after looking at his sadness.  

-I'm leaving! -Tony said. I cannot be here.

But those tears were already seen by the multitude he usually avoided. 

-I understand! May the Lord bless you more.

He walked his way, but there's no way to hide those tears. 

-Where are you going, Colombian?

Tony turned around to see who was calling his attention but, at the same time, he quickly waved good-bye reluctantly, trying to hide his face on the road he walked thinking of his children.

-Life is a dimming glimpse of joy! -He thought to himself. Cesar wanted to live and died like a thought. 

Next day Tony walked nearby River's house. He was on his way to visit his children but she shouted aloud.

-Hey you, hermit! Come down here!... Let's talk a little.

-Hello! Could that be later on? -Tony replied. I want to see my children first.

-How long does it take you? Asked River.

-I guess an hour! Do you need something downtown?

-Yes! Please buy me a bottle of rum at the liquor store.

-Hmm! Bring me your money, then.

-Of course! Same way as usual, big man.

River walked up that ramp until she reached her fence with the money. It was a light greeting chat they postponed until Tony's returned.

-How are your children?

-I don't know! I couldn't see them, but I tried... After Cesar has ceased I felt I liked them the more. 

-Who would have thought he'd die that way? He was young and strong, and we highly have planned he would finish this house he was building.

-I don't know River! Perhaps we're thinking we live when we daily die. Do we need to be awake to fall asleep into the nightmares of life?

-Hey! Don't be disheartened. But, that answer I really don't know. Cheer up and com down!

They both sit at the entrance. Charles was somewhere doing things around the pool and River checked her bottle.

-Thanks! This is cheap but I'm aware alcohol cures no grievance.

-Hmm! Is it the real reason you like drinking? You are a lier! Ha! Ha!

-The moment I received this bad news I phone-called Leo. It was late that night and I wanted to know about my own son. You know how children are! And I told him: “...This time and hour I know where Cesar is dead, but I don't know where you are, my son...” I felt my heart contracted like a piece of paper. Few hours before, Cesar called me to thank us for the packages of blood we helped to be handed over there and, any moment, Jorge called me to say he was dead. Why do children die?

-I don't want to know why, River! 

-Then I told Leo: “Will you please take care of you? The one who repaired your house is dead, and I want you to come home soon”

Tony felt shook again.

-Wow! I know what you felt River. But, was it cancer? I never asked him.

-Yes! It was and he spent a whole years to die.

-He believed in Jesus, another different way we never talked, and he surely believed he could be healed soon.

-Really, Tony?

-Yes! But few days before I got upset the moment I knew his children were asking things about his real state. His sister told me when they asked me to go to the hospital, so my mind changed.

-What? I barely saw his children at the funeral the first day. It was because Mrs Cecil asked me about them and I checked if they were inside the multitude. 

-Weren't they there?

-My idea was that they have met their grandma. I saw their faces, but they weren't there. -River replied. I also asked about their mother and the petite told me “she couldn't come...”. 

-Hmm! That's easily understood, River! Cesar divorced her and I know how she is.

-Perhaps but, the moment I asked if they would be present at the procession, the next day, the smallest one told me: “None of us would come to bury him. We are under important college evaluations and these can't be postponed surely”.

-Really?

River wasn't drunk yet. He is used to Mrs River's talks but, this time, he was moderately unsure.

-You know me Tony! I was ultimately shocked when I heard the smallest one saying: “I'm glad my mother didn't come to this circus. I'm glad she missed it out...” I asked why she saw it that way and she said: “Look at it! See it by yourself! I don't know why this place is so crowded... I don't know these people.” Charles tried to speak to her, but I stopped him several times. She has “the right” to think things her own way.

-Was it too difficult to tell her those were Cesar's friends and people who knew him?

-It was her spitting bitterness! She seemed to hate all of them, and that couldn't be changed that way.

-Oh! I see. But that wasn't the way I knew them... Was it selfishness, concealed rage and anything else?

-Or something else! If she would have had the chance to talk to her dead dad, her feelings would be better known to us. 

-I knew her ex wife was somewhat blood sucking, but I wasn't totally aware they inherited that brood. I told Cesar the things I have seen several times going their house, but this annoyance is absolutely new to me.

-You said “annoyance”? That poisoned little girl seemed to lead her older sister and her brother, the one who studies medicine. I'm sure her bitterness comes from the questions her minds entertained: “Who's going to keep our life style? Our social status in college?” Because she's aware of her mother's limits, Tony.

-Who knows? I witnessed several times Cesar brought them cashed money. No one wanted to walk downstairs and it was just three floors to pick it up and, that day I was fixing their computer, I offered myself to bring that money their hands, and their mother told me she would sort that mess out, and that was when I saw that little girl you spoke another way, because I thought she honestly cherished her dad another way the bigger ones didn't show that day.

-Cherished? Ha! Ha! Mrs Cecil wondered why they didn't appear the moment her son's body was brought her house. She hadn't seen them when strangers met and greeted her with condolence. I asked them to go in, to comfort their grandma and, the most I insisted, an “uncle” appeared to take them away in a car which would take them “home”. 

-You're saying they left without seeing Mrs Cecil?

-As far as I know, they fled.

Will you miss purposely your mom's or father's funeral? Tony wasn't sure of the things he heard.

-Unbelievable, River! I hope nothing of this be said to Cecil. I don't want to break her heart twice.

-She probably knows it, Tony. Many people were there and, as far as I'm informed, one of those recently known children stood with him at the hospital. 

-Oh! Was it one I met last month? One thin teenager wearing glasses?

-Those he gave less love and attentions were the ones who stood his bedside, Tony.

-My God! He was so proud of these three he backed up more than those but, as he told me few days ago, he knew his ex wife better these last 7 months and, besides this, he repented his sins, the things he did wrong during their marriage... If he could see this mess, I find it hard he would find peace.

-Let me ask you, Tony! Why you also missed the funeral cortège?

-I'm not Catholic and surely would have disliked the things I have seen before. I won't say it all but, after my first daughter died, I promised it would be hard to attend to my own funeral.

-How come? It could be taken like a joke but I didn't know you had a daughter gone... Tell me more, please.

-Like I already said!... But she was beautiful and blond.

Tony got up and walked somewhere else. He tried to get unplugged the charger of his mobile from one of the walls.

-After several of my loved ones died I made my mind on this.

-How old was your daughter?

-I don want to think about it... Less than six, I guess.

-Did you forget it, Tony?

-I just don't want to think she's dead! -Tony quickly moved to hide he wept.  

-I'm sorry, Tony!

-Excuse me you, too! 

-During the procession Rose cried out loud, in front of the coffin, “How come you did this to us, Cesar?” The funeral cortège was several times stopped because also women wanted to lift his coffin in their shoulders...

-Poor Rose! It wasn't his guilt being liked and popular. -Said Tony, trying to lead that chat another place around. I understand her sorrow.

-They took him a long way...

-He was appreciated!

-Yes! Except by those children we know.

-I hope my children have enough friends to carry me into the crematory, at least. I donated my body to the university, but I'm not sure the place I would die.

-What are you saying, crazy thing? -River asked.

Tony tried to show his laughter but he was saying one truth.

-I hope my time do not come too late.

-That's creepy, Tony.

-Ha! Ha! If I lived the time I had planned, I would be badly in the need to get more friends or to hire mourners.

-You are a fool, man! You knew it?

-Ha! Ha! It's not a matter of joke, River, but just think it. I have few friends and these are passing by so soon these days. 

-I'm glad you are a bad copy of Dorian Grey. -She said.

-Agreed on! But don't call me Dorian Grave. Ha! Ha!

It was close to noon. And lunch time.

-I have to go, River.

-Tell me before you leave so soon. Do you think those kids will go to court to get money from Cesar's family or anything from his real state?

-There are provisions legally, but I hope those “college evaluations” get them busier for several years. These three seemed to seek benefits only and, to your own amazement, I only saw them visiting Mrs Cecil's by December. Just to get Christmas presents or those gifts they expected to receive on their birthdays... The ones you saw one single day, I saw during a couple of years, River.

-Did Cesar knew it well?

-I don't know! But I certainly tried to help him see that of his kids and, to my surprise, I believe he died without regrets, loving them the more.

-Sure, Tony! He told me something like that on the phone, the last time we chattered... 

Tony picked his things to leave and River delayed him more.

-Did I say Charles and I planned to prepare X-mas food next week, before we travel next month?

-It downs on me, Mrs River! So you both planned to have a good time together before this year end?

-Yep! We want you to pay us a visit in Caracas, so you could taste my fresh hallacas there.

Tony made his mind hearing it, saying nothing in advance.

-We're going to Margarita, Mérida and the Gran Sabana.

She largely explained those details, prices and those things she did to spare herself some money and he learned what could be learned of that talk.

-That's fine! I want to go. I need to cook my lunch, River.

-Oh! I forgot to tell you another thing... As you know Tony, my sister Fanny widowed few months ago. This time we've tried to give her more attention because she's childless and she has more free time after her working hours, and we don't want her to be depressed. 

Tony sat back to listen to her, again.

-Few weeks ago we attended to a party. It was late when we left it and the moment we left her at the entrance of her building, we drove away soon, thinking everything would be okay there but, when she reached her apartment's door, she couldn't open it and asked help her next door friend too early in the morning.

-Why didn't she called you up?

-She had left her mobile phone that party, so she needed her neighbor's phone to call me up. 

Tony was puzzled. He put his hand on a cheek just to listen more.

-Two girls could not open a single door! So her friend's husband woke up to give them some help. He asked why they took a long time to open that door and her own next-door friend had tried the keys Fanny had given her for “an unexpected emergency” like that. 

-Hmm? Was she drunk too? -Tony asked.

-She doesn't drink alcohol! She just left her door locked one way and it was another way when she returned home. That man suggested them to compare both key holders and soon after, he saw Fanny had three different safety locks the same main door and, the moment he asked for the next key for each lock, he knew all of them had the same combination, one mastered key, but you know the foolish things a lady has hung a key holder. 

-Ha! Ha! -Tony laughed. That man was also drunk.

-When they entered the living room, Fanny realized something was wrong when she saw a couple of things missing there. She's used to lock one single lock, the one in the middle, but that door was totally locked, the other way around she remembers when she left.

-Sherlock Holmes would see it differently... Ha! Ha! When is she going to change those locks?

-We already did it this week! But it downed on her it was her husband's children the ones who stole her jewelry, several shoes, some fine jackets made of leather and many things she missed the time she checked well her apartment.

-River! How come was it done? Did her husband gave his children a copy of that key too, in case of any “unpredictable emergency”?

-We don't know! (and I don't wanna know). The thing is, they want their part as heirs and that succession here takes long and, to sort it out soon, we've planned to buy her their cars and those properties cheaper and, so the moment she has shared that money with “his heirs”, she should have money enough to get these back.

-Oh! I see it! As I have read, she's the owner of half their fortune and, the other half, should be shared another half: 50% belongs to her perfectly and 50% should be equally divided, where 25% is hers and 25% will be given to his heirs. So she legally would own 75 percent of all.

-Sometimes you are smart, Tony!

-I wish I were! Otherwise I would have gone home... Poor me!... Will you mind telling me that the time you hear me I'd planned to remarry? 

-You don't need to be discouraged, Tony. Will you marry a problem, Tony? 

-Cesar's kids won't do the same Fanny faces but, who knows, River?  You married Charles and, if I was surely asked for an answer, you married him once, and you know everything about your husband. Has he been more than a problem? Will you marry someone like him (or the other) twice? 

Tony laughed the moment Charles appeared from nowhere. She opened that bottle of rum she got. She said nothing while pondering if she would prepare for her a drink.

-You have married twice, River! Don´t you?

She sighed after breathing to say.

-Right, Tony! Probably I would pick none if I had known. Ha! Ha!

-Don't drink too much, River! I gotta go... Be on the watch!

-Thank you, Tony!

Charles had something to say when he was coming in.

-I overheard that part where you were talking about me, Tony... If I was asked the very same question, I surely enough would chose River as my wife twice; but I know you were boot licking, because you want to eat her hallacas next week our home.

-Ha! Ha! -Tony laughed aloud, next time saying. What a compliment Charles you've made for River! No doubt you aren't boot licking, because I know you've loved her surely, but you also like to eat whatever she cooks... Was it the real reason you married her, Charles? Ha! Ha!

-Beat it! Beat it, Tony! It's getting too late and you won't get your share... Ha! Ha!

-Don't be so cruel, Charles! -Said River. I invited him home already.

-Hey, Tony! Next time I meet your ex wife... I will ask that question too!

-Don't do me that, Charles! -Tony said. You already know the answers, and it would hurt her “the most”... Ha! Ha!

A. Toro (November 23th, 2014)

P.S.

To those friends who are now gone...