Loved love

Something in me tells WE all die to love or be loved. Something -deep inside- insists on telling me all of us die to enjoy this or enjoy that but, is it self-seeking feeling and something really selfish and sticky?

I cannot stop myself from looking at God, the moment He started to create The World with Jesus... What was he thinking about? What did they have as common agreement?

It sounds naive they needed to be worshiped, particularly when they probably have made angels and more creatures.

It sounds weird they felt alone, having needs they were unable to fill or fulfill.

I just look at the moment Adam sinned. Were they stuck in that present of the Creation? Were they limited to see the future we don´t see in the present?

Adam lacked something he knew the moment he saw Eve. It sounds childish God wasn´t aware of human needs and unveiled longings and, if inadvertently ignored any of them, was He blind or Jesus?: He gave us His nature, also.

Dogs or cats shared a couple of things with me, as a rare human. They know whom they like and those they don´t. The have their time to piss up and their moment to seek more “loving” attention... Are we a product of such a cosmic evolution many insist on?

These days I remembered some cartoon I used to watch on TV. If I had had the control we have now to pick the program and the channel, I would have learned more from life and those painstaking lesson TV programs tried to retrieve from real life (Some TV programs served me as a schoolroom).

Did you like the Krazy Cat cartoon series?

I disbelieved there were people like that. I blindly doubted there were people like that but, the one who worked on those drawings knew it from another side...

Will you love someone who hurts you and undermines all your human being?

I hoped none would say “Yes”, but that is not my choice. I hope no one would say: “I have been there, and it hurts”.

Just look at these words someone has said, perhaps in a narrow-minded situation:

"What I absolutely need is:

Someone who has never been married

Someone who does not drink

Someone who does not smoke

Someone who does not do drugs

Someone who does not have children

Someone who lives in (blank) or who can move here

Someone who does not have sex outside of marriage

Also I don´t believe in living together before marriage

Very important to know: I am a virgin and I have no interest in sex... I am likely asexual... A huge plus if God made you that way too. "

How come a hurt-me not, like this, will be helped to be found or match-made?

She said she is asexual (or likely) so, 1. Does she need to be married? 2. Will she be found by another virgin and pure man?

A picky person does not help his/ her situation. Some ailments -and mental illness- helps but too little (or nothing) to be cherished up to the last earthly breath.

Sometimes we open our windows without any shade and, I´m the kind of person who -sometimes- loves (and try to know) below the outer surface...

If I had had the chance I wouldn´t have watched the things I have seen and many of those I can give an account. I know that, part of the present day feminist movement, comes from several sorts of physical, emotional and sexual abuse and harassment and, most of those who back this up were abused, no matter the gender but, would you love someone like that mouse?

She is tall he is short.

She has good shape. He is bad and ugly (compared to several mice cartoons have had).

He is cheeky, selfish and unkind (completely detestable, if he was a person).

I see her Christian-like and, the mouse, another rat to be left...

If I were asked to show whom I like I surely would say I like that Krazy Kat. She sees the positive within the mice´s animosity. She insist on loving while that mouse is trowing bricks at her... No! I don´t to be like that, but she is lovable.

I had a friend whom I used to say I needed a brick to kiss her cheek. She was taller than I am and, when that wasn´t possible (I said) I would step up into the sidewalk, just to place her near the road to see her we were alike... Ha! Ha!

My brother´s GF is behaving like that kitty. She always sighs at looking his pictures and I make some jokes to see how deeply she loves mu brother (I hope he gets his firstborn).

She stares at a picture where I was with my brother and says nice things any person would enjoy (perhaps my brother would not pay to much attention). She daydreams the moment “their baby” comes and looks like my brother was (here´s where I told things to hear how she likes him the most).

Do you love that way? Have you ever loved like a crazy person?

There were more movies I have seen. One of those I have liked was “Click”, with Adam Sandler. Did you like that part where he fell down running and sadly died?

Did you feel the pain of loosing a loved one and, soon after, regaining that what was solely yours?

No doubt I felt jealous when Adam Sandler lost his wife for another: He played the fool we somehow are...

We, like that mouse, have goofed to the most. We hurt and finally, have been hurt, to be healed...

Yet, it should be recognized we don´t always belong!

We´ve made mistakes, we have hurt, and I don´t plan to be always picky. Will you?

What would be the end result for a mouse?

What would be the final outcome for a person who always rejects those who love him/her for the person he/she really is?

When I was a child a little girl came to show me what love was... I wish I could remember what her face was, much more of this foggy memory I have got for 4 decades but, I think she came into my life for a reason.

I can see her father´s car (a white Volkswagen) but I cannot see her hands or face. Each time I see her, I see the loving attitude she had toward me and those bonds I didn´t realize we started to create any simple day. Sometimes I think she was my soul mate, someone who thought the way I was but, I was so afraid of loving her (of loving me) that I often ran away from her attentions: I think I was a hurt-me not before I was a hermit (a secular one).

Have you ever loved a person you knew you would miss?

Will you commit to love a person you know you would miss or leave, any moment?

I think I knew my limits those days. Her parents were aware I was teased all around that house by her loving but, one night, I let she sit by my side while I was look those stars shining in a clear sky... My life was changed and I don´t know how I turned to be hardened, for some reasons I have ignored.

A Krazy Kat will love you the way you are. A crazy friend -like this- will respect the person you are and, unconditionally, will give much more than you possibly give.

I forgot her name, her face, her likes.

Something, deep in me, has hidden I was older than she was and, if my memory fails, I think it was the first time I played hide & seek, because it was love at first sight.

What are those names you think were forgotten?

What are those persons you´ve badly missed?

That mouse -of that movie- was afraid of being loved by someone bigger than he thought he was. He was afraid of being hugged or liked and, as shocking as it is, many of us are the same...

It´s OK you have your sexual drives and your social-material expectations but, if you were all alone in a remote island, will you love the one who comes?

The truth is many of us are stuck at our emotional standoffish, mentally isolated in our “social” lagoons and we still live afraid of loving beyond personal known limits.

I haven´t stopped this dissociative habit, but I´m doing it step by step and -pitifully- within the atmosphere were pagans are -or where I could be one hurting-me not.

The good Samaritan parable gave me an outstanding example to see how we are to avoid risks for fears of being endangered. It says “there were some men who passed by and did not helped” (Luke 10:31-32). There was a second class citizen (from Samaria) who endured such a risk of being vulnerable...

Luk 10:34 The Samaritan went to him and poured olive oil and wine on his wounds.

Luk 10:34 He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him.

Will you care those for who need to be healed?

I have done it (though I cannot repay what I have received from friends who met me on my wrong way).

I have endangered, though I know my limits and people´s limits (as well the present law of the country I live).

Those who know we are hurt-me not know our boundaries, our fears, etc., but some still behave like that good Samaritan...

Just allow me to be entertained with the thought I have seen several of you who have done what is right -and lawful- according to God´s will and, that His peace (and love) grow more within you.

"Love ya!" (and hurt-me not). :)

A.T.

Honor those who love you.

As a present, daydreaming or writing to a future spouse, is not bad. If any person you think of would fit daydreaming is alive and somewhere she or he is, I would keep on written dreams: You are writing to the "object" of your present idealized love and to the "subject" of your love (even to the innermost YOU who longs to make dreams come true).

When you honestly write, you leave a record of your emotions, desires and dreams. If you want to be well understood, keep them going on. If you want to know more about YOURSELVES, during certain stage of your life (or that moment of your emotions) just make it as a paper records its time.

Time by time, if the persons "was" not either the object or subject of your words, if he/she wasn´t THE SOUND of those words you solely spelled... Just keep on to know you the more! (and do not share those secret emotions you addressed thinking in another person who is gone, somehow).

If those words serve to teach your, or others, get a fake moniker and publish them online (just to check the way you were and to correct any possible fault you had hidden inside your self).

Certain day, when I was getting divorced I went to my ex-wife´s house. I saw there weren´t any. My children were gone and, also, my ex and, surprisingly, I saw the door unlocked as it was shut (a very rare thing over there).

I stepped in.

I searched inside I saw the mess they normally had and have... (One of the reasons I left them). But I decided to be creative, since I had two cans of paints, so I decided to paint their windows and their main door...

While I was doing so, I needed a piece of paper to clean something I don´t remember what was. I tried to find old newspapers inside, but I couldn´t, except when I saw several papers that looked out of the trash can I never saw.

I swept the floor a little and, quickly, I saw there were too many pieces torn, of the same papers and, I had an idea when reading these belonged to hers...

I reconstructed the mayority of those pieces I have found on the floor. I knew how to bond and glue all of them, I was picking up them to understand the whole issue...

These were LOVE LETTERS. These were all those my ex-wife was writing to her lover...

I felt I hate her the most.

I felt jealous because I NEVER saw she wrote things -like that- for me. Of course it was THEIR INTIMACY I saw (from her perspective), but I also read she was aware he was a known cheater in town, the one she was ready to keep on fighting to get him back, although she knew he was married to another... (omitting details for respect of your eyes, your minds and the kids who could read this).

I felt my anger flowing and I knew I could kill a man for adulterer...

I felt I rejected, myself, because I came "home" and I tried to amend those things unsorted and, because of their absence, I started to paint their door, their windows, just to leave them a simple present, “a surprise”... But I was me who got sadly surprised. :(

I have lived to be strong, mentally healthy, smart, and so on.

It was a lesson I learned the hard way (I only cheated -on her- once during 13 years) and this pain healed my entire life because, before I was Christian, I was a cheater and a promiscuous man: Some sins have to be paid!

I don´t remember having written a letter for a spouse I´ve planned to meet any day on a date. I know I have written too many things for the people I have met and those I have left...

After divorce, I became a "bloggist" and I let my steam be off by writing, publicly, with all what I´ve felt.

I was so hurt, sinking deep in self-pity and sorrow, that I thought life was meaningless, worth of nothing and -any day- I pulled (3 times) the trigger of my big fire gun... The last time I planned to blow my head pulling it, I thought about my son Joshua. I thought about many things. I even thought God "was so selfish and deaf" because He never said: "Don´t do it" or "Stop it! Because I love you".

So, if you think your past can help another to know you: Re-write it in a new personal approach to win the person who now dares to LOVE YOU, the way you are.

He/she doesn´t need to know your past: Except when you are highly depressive or suicidal. (A thing I am not, however I´m strong willed and quick to react against injustice).

Do not let them know how much you´ve loved ANOTHER... Do you want to see their jealousy or anger confused and frustrated?

Do not let them know how much you´ve missed those who left you nor those you left: Your past is passed... (They will love you at the PRESENT state you are).

Hope they never try to change you...

It might sound ironic when They haven´t change themselves, but are so quick and willing to change or coach another´s refurbishment. ;)

How foolish these are!

Give honor those who deserve it... Keep the records of your faults (to avoid repeating them, and do not let these be used to hurt you).

"Forgive, to be forgiven" (Jesus)

A.T.

Some Phobias

My grandmother disliked snakes. If she ever saw them on TV, it was the same reaction of fear and disagreement. I know people who hates worm and react those ways you can never imagine: These are their bigger fears.

I have hear the ostrich hides her face on the ground. I have seen cartoon doing that, but I haven´t seen them in real life (I need to watch a trustworthy video where they hide and run, by way). The truth is they fight and defend themselves (When threatened, ostriches run away, but they can cause serious injury and death with kicks from their powerful legs. Their legs can only kick forward.Contrary to popular belief, ostriches do not bury their heads in sand. This myth likely began with Pliny the Elder (AD 23–79), who wrote that ostriches "imagine, when they have thrust their head and neck into a bush, that the whole of their body is concealed." This may have been a misunderstanding of their sticking their heads in the sand to swallow sand and pebbles, or, as National Geographic Society suggests, of the defensive behavior of lying low, so that they may appear from a distance to have their head buried.). (http://eol.org/data_objects/24070383#cite_note-Donegan_2002-12)

What are you afraid of? (Don´t tell me! You´re being watched)

I know what many people are afraid of. Horror movies are nothing compared to those things people hide (or think could be hidden) while research is being done on the net each person surfs while runs away form their Phobias.

Recently I went to hospitals where I saw a man who was afraid at seeing transfusion needles. I knew I could feel dismayed at being present in an operating theatre, looking at people´s bleeding, when their flesh is being cut; but I´m new at those who forget where they received the injection of a needle few hours before (or yesterday): This is the same reaction “an ostrich” shows to hid their inmost fears...

Yes! This is not a condition, but an emotional reaction, just like closing the eyes when seeing a dangerous thing too close to our eyes: We shut the mind! (to “feel” we´ve run from the danger).

At risk or horrors, people cry or scream. Some show their tears, they get red or use their fits. How knows all those fears?

There was a nice thin young girl I knew she was terrified or angry. Her skin changed like the chicken skin. I guess it was something like those animals changed their color as well as their mood: They won´t run, but it was a “warn”, their alert alarm (just like those horses you see they moved their ears when they felt someone is molesting and, if you don´t stop it, they can bite or hit you).

Not too many people can make a “cone” using their tongue. That´s something deep in the mind´s wirings that makes you to be like that, to reach one way or another.

Who knows you well? (God does) but I´m sure there are some fears no research has been done: How vulnerable we are when we try to hide and run from those truths we think we lie.

One of my grannies used to call us when she felt she was about to die. She did that too many times, that I thought she was “eternal”, but she died at her 90´s. Sometime before, I spent some time with her, reading the Bible at midnight, but I felt I missed her a lot, because I was used to looking at her clear eyes and, that time, she was in a bed, closed eyed, while I was unsure she would listen: There wasn´t a real way I knew we interacted that time.

I´m happy that, my other grandmother, held my hand when she was taken to the hospital... She hated snakes, but she loved people as much as she could give from her simple life.

I think

sometimes, I cannot close my eyes
to breathe in the air she leaves going by.

I just tried to figured out
and I felt fainted: Shot at my eyes.

I don´t think I could breathe
with a sigh, holding back enough air.

Just to hide - with a lie-
I´m not feeling alive, once again.


A.T.

Few notes on Reward Systems

I guess many knows them here. These are raised and developed since we were born, cared, hugged and loved. It changed and was modeled when we went to school and that served us when we went to work. Money, power and several sort of human pleasures added some mood to our reward system.

I remember many things of childhood. Some are not nightmares visiting me each day, because I acknowledged those things I made wrong and those that were done by someone who also failed. I'm not the only part who is responsible for the good -and evil facts- that shaped my life. I should be more responsible for my loved ones, my children, and other's children too.

My reward system knows whom I like, what things I like and don't and -of course- money is on top of those cheap things we can be giving others to nurture (and shape) their reward system.

My daughter is on a new life stage. She thinks she is beautiful, desirable, date-able and strong. I'm trying to help her, but she is just where the “help” she wants is out is my hand (and I'm out of her priorities in her reward system). She is where she takes and misses what she thinks best, but I will not stop giving her some advices, I will try to coach as much as I can, and I know she is strong willed (somehow stubborn).

I know my son's visceral reward system. They're enjoying what I try my daughter avoid, as long as I see viscerality is not good out of marriage. Those brothers I have are very well known and sought (and demanded) and, of course, they have no ears to hear what I'm trying to say: Don't use ladies, don't abuse those who love you; but I have no control on their life, I'm not a cop to watch what they do in their privacy (and out of my reach).

I'm being rude to tell Joy those risks she could sort out when knowing most of those guys who would pretend her loving are just seeking the same thing my sons do with other girls in those neighborhoods I don't know.

Reward systems are too egotic, too self-poised (erotic and stubborn).

The school helped us to be the persons we are. That social interaction helped us to be the one we liked and those one we hate having been. There we shaped the good and the evil we know know. We had a reward system there that helped us to be the ones we are now.

Did you like history, science or arts? Those grades we received pushed our ego to seek what we liked and, later on, those likes helped us to get money instead of the approval (and social recognition) grades gave us in childhood at several schools.

My mother is not that one who would come to hug you and say: “I love you”. But if you just give her a bag of milk power (or coffee) she will be happy and honestly thankful, because her reward system is alive (and kicking) at her 73. Ha! Ha!

Some of us knew differently how each personal reward system works. Mine could be too hedonistic, while others are so stoic and holier than many (or few).

Some persons “modeled” their reward system into a compulsion. Some do like to change how their life looks like, other do like to move and change their furniture or the paint color in their houses, but other keep on cleaning the house the whole day and get annoyed when they feel “nobody helps them clean the house”. Have you heard that?

Perhaps you are the owner of the entire house -at least a single room- and those persons come inside your room (your life) to try to change your whole world... Wee!

It is their compulsion, their reward system asking you to get involved in those things you don't like, you don't need or have bypassed largely, for months or years.

Some of them, needing some sort of daily achievement, will ask you to remove the trash can THEY SAY it's in the kitchen, your bedroom, or the backyard (but their closet -and drawers- are full of useless stuff, clothing they will never use again, and they are unwilling to give the needy outside that “home”).

I remember some of my ex-wife's tiny compulsion (now). When she cleaned my space, she made me live a mess. I'm messy, but I got lost when she moved my things out of where “I knew” I left some papers and things. It was so disturbing that I moved to the next floor on the same house we've built and, when we sold it to move to the countryside, I moved twice to avoid her compulsions... Ha! Ha! That did not make me to be a wanderer (I already was) But I was a homie being who loved the order I gave my life, particularly when I had my own room, at the apartment my brother Alain and I knew as home, as long as we lived with my dad's mother and her family.

Mónica, on the contrary, did the same chores, but often asked me permission to move my messy things and I often did THAT JOB with her and -her whole life- richly blessed my messy life (I'm not perfect, but Mónica's life gave me those lessons I needed to improve my reward system).

I'm happy now!

I became somewhat over-sharer here (as often) and stopped to think on the blessing God has given me (to enforce and develop my reward system). The family where I grew up, the things I did, the persons I like (and dislike) served me to get the place where I am, the man I am, and the person I could be.

Deep inside me I laughed (hiding some tears you won't see). I guess these words could useless, unnecessary, but I write to balance “the compulsion” I feel to give, to share, to say: “I have lived” and I know my children won't read these words now, and I want to give them some written support to keep in them the memory that I love -and loved- them forever.

These years went so fast. I removed myself from the home I thought I could build close to their life, but my life was a mess with their mother, and I could live a life like that. She is not a monster! Otherwise, I wouldn't have touched her as she touched my life and mind. But we don't belong (and that ended up).

We, as human, having an unique and particular reward system, must know who we are before approaching people. We are not made as a puzzle, but we are puzzled for things (and persons) we cling, liked or tried to get inside our personal reward system.

Have you hugged your children and wife?

Have you told them you love them for free, for the persons they are (telling them how you see them or how you thought they were)?

Reward system has to be enforced (for the good you like and for those things you would like to see).

School gave us good grades on history, psychology, Spanish or English... Those good grades gave us some popularity, some social recognition and “friends” tagged along; but those things served us to be the person we wanted to be, the ones we are now, and gave us the needed information we're using to be the persons we want to be.

Jobs gave us money, as a reward (instead of good grades) and that served us to buy things we thought we needed and to buy stuff we believed others needed. Money is a reward system enforcer (pain also teaches) and its value is above above those grades we received at schools.

Money will not serve you to buy love, but to enforced those things you would like to receive (and see). Social approval cannot be bought by money (not by good grades) but it gives you the recognition some people may think they need to get things their personal achievement is missing or wanting.

I have seen some persons want to buy love and social recognition with money. Good grades were sought at school to get people's attention, social recognition, but those things never said who you really are, the person who is inside the clothing you wear as a mask.

Your deeds speaks louder than your words and words can be used to get social recognition, good grades and money also, but God's approval is above anything. You can buy the world, but the world can sell you as a simple stuff in the social market.

Anyone can be deceived by the world and its reward system.

Society can label you the way they think, or the way you want them to label you. You can buy your “good grades” with anything you have to offer: money, sex, hard work, etc., but glory is bought with sacrifice, honoring God instead of any human (or woman).

Worldly reward system can be “cracked” by lies, but God's cannot not: There's the example of Jesus Christ.

I'm not concerned about eternity. In fact, I'm not over-concerned for anything, but I'd like to teach my kids to acknowledge God instead of this world reward system. If I were not sure He is not the Person I know He is, I would not try to say a word; but my children are not completely deaf, same as yours (in fact, some of us were spiritually deaf and blind, and some people words -and their works- reached us, somehow).

I hope my children love God instead of any world reward system they might find soon.

Mind playing games

This morning I was "dreaming" with things I don't want to. I don't know how, but I have found out my mind is self-willed, she does what she does when I am not awaken, being slept, or falling asleep.

I don't know how to ague to teach her not to do those things SHE IS NOT ALLOWED to do (or tell me).

I don't like her when she says those things I don't want to pay attention to.

I felt disgusted! She has repeated the same “message” she has sent me a couple of times.

I do know who I like, how I could love and -of course- I know my limits to be the perfect lover (the perfect person) the one I'll never be (but I could try to be like that man she thinks -she wants- and deserves).

In that dream (not a nightmare) I saw my ex-wife this morning. (Jan 16, 2014).

If my mind would have warned me to pray for her, I would have prayed aloud but, when she asked me to love her, I feel I hated my mind for playing those bad games.

I'm over! I'm over! (and I don't like her, anymore)

Some of us know the mind has its plays, and also know GOD can use them to talk to our hearts. Bad spirits, also, could “help” the mind to say their lies, so we'd better stay tuned with God's will.

My mind could be a good mate to talk when being or traveling alone a big leg trip on this single life. But I must admit she doesn't behave well when she's left alone to do her things, woke up or slept away.

Reply to a question about rare/odd people... (Draft)

In considering some of questions you asked, Internet served me A LOT to drain my frustrations when I was in the process of divorce, years ago. I was hurt and I guess I was hurting people for those things I said and, but the way, GOD sent me a Catholic friend who helped me to be healed and she, with love, helped me to overcome that sorrow, bitterness, and we became dear friends (we never met personally, but that helped me more than I guess).

On the internet I learned to know me deeply or, if this wasn't like that, my emotional mind was shaped because of the personal or emotional intercourse I got with people online reading my stuff, poetry, blogs or whatever rubbish thin I wrote. I kept files of those things I considered important and, being in the process of being divorced, feeling myself despised, etc., I knew I was guilty of many things and knew I WAS NOT THE ONLY PERSON HURT; so I started to help others same way I have been helped by my friend who always stood "close" and willing to help me DURING YEARS.

On the Internet I knew whom I was, more better than interacting personally with the people I knew, because we often tend to be so superficial.

On line I met a couple of persons I got too involved: For love, for infatuation; but I lacked those experiences, because I was more mundane and my life started to change by 1994, when I was married and interacting with Christlike people I NEVER KNEW personally, up to the day Jesus helped me see and interact with them.

Regarding my being grinchy or grumpy, I don't try to hide or lie. Today, in the morning, a man came to visit my mother and give her his greeting for a new year (a thing I don't see as many). I approached him to say hello and, after few minutes, I couldn't stop myself from telling him my opinion on the several times I have seen him talking to drug consumers, rejected people who live in the streets, homeless, because he is able to feel sympathy and dislikes injustice, and we shared a couple of things I never heard before (those I recommended him to write). He is not Christian, but have lived with those he named "Christian". He wants to know the meaning of life (many things) but he is the type of honest person that will tell you, openly: "I am homosexual and got AIDS".  I like that honesty of him. I think he is brave, a man, because he doesn't lie like the average people I have known and, today, GOD gave me the chance to preach on him (a little).


I'm telling you this personal thing because it happened today (Jan 1st, 2014). I'm telling you I admire people like him and, of course, he knows I won't touch him by hugging or shaking my hands with him (I told him that and behaved that way I said) but he left my mother's home so HAPPY, hugging her the first time (in years), feeling he wasn't rejected for the person he is and he understood why I could be far from his arms, because I try to give no chance to mistakes.

In fact, I told my mother: "Hey! This is the first time you are being hugged by REAL MAN, mother... Lucky you, mom!" and we laughed for a while.

That MAN was happy and told us things I wish I could blog, but I insisted on him to write down his story because, as I said to him: "If I had a record of you talking, if I had the mic in front of you, you will not tell all those things so freely. But LIFE deserves knowing you the way you are, they deserve to know what things you have done in life. I don't care you like men, except you liked me, because I don't like you" (He laughed at this).

Well! I'd better stop this.

People are what they are. I prefer to be me, rather than pretending to be another.

I don't care if I am misunderstood, the problem is not mine, but those who never asked, those who are superficial, those who are the way I don't like (and no one needs me, by the way).

I'm happy, to certain degree.