Rejection

I don't know how most of the people are. I have no idea, since my experience is very limited in time and scope. I have some clues from me and these are the tips I got to understand my life.

We came into this world knowing nothing and the 1st thing we learned is satisfying our basic needs: Breathing and Feeding are commonly acknowledged as our basic needs and, while in our mother's womb, we were good at diving. Didn't we?

The first lesson we were told was breathing. I don't remember the push and, the lesson number two was I needed to be fed. Some how I knew it was needed, because I was cherished when crying or pleasing when hugged (if I were born this size, with this face, I know I wouldn't be fed). Will you? Ha! Ha!

It's easy to feed babies! They make new sounds and our emotions tenderly change to give rather than taking. Let's say some won't be totally happy and, in secrecy, some adults or kids will lose attention and will recent it, at certain degree. Let's say some mothers and fathers are happy for a new baby, but it has been seen sad stories like that of Cain and Abel. Allowed be to say that dogs sometimes are more concerned to nurture their family that some of us “humans” (There are too many reasons: Factors related to the economy; the present state of the relationship and mind of the spouses or mates; the climate of the season; the space in each shelter / roof /country; etc.)

Nature teaches me better than human life. City people are somehow limited to learn from it, but she keeps on telling you things. These two last weeks I learned a lot from watching dogs in heat. I guess they have a couple of things in common with us and, when selecting mates (which is a choice) they don't look at the wallet or the economy like us. Perhaps they don't look at “tenderness”, because the one the female dog receives is hypocrisy, and it is given to certain area of her body, as long as she is willing to receive it from the dog she likes... (Here there is common ground in humans behavior).

The dog she likes is strong, or good to discourage other's sexual drive. I've seen how they barked, bite and showed their teeth to keep the competence away. These too want their ride, same way any would like to be seated on a horse, and I'm just describing dogs, humans or monkeys like those who like “riding” a horse.

That intercourse is not love, it lacks that bond, and I have seen dogs cared their babies better than me. They train them to grow up and probably “love” one more than the others, because I had dogs and rabbits, and learnt from their “parental” behavior.

I love Joshua more than Elisha. I enjoyed Monica more than my ex-wife, so I understand Jacob likes. I would have liked one more than the others. I would have liked Josh more than any other Benjamin, and all these things are connected to choices, likes, preferences.

The female dog accepts one. Those I've seen looked nice for her and, after doing their thing, these have gone, and I laughed at that, all those that were rejected, somehow stayed near, trying to get their chance to climb the high mountain to have their ride. Believe me! This literally looks like the life I have seen.

I know real stories of people who never liked a person. She disliked something of him but, he insisted on, he kept on and won that relationship. By time, after getting what that one wanted, the connection ended up (sometimes sadly).

Now, while I'm typing, I received a phone call. Someone sought advice and he is younger than the lady who is asking for his company. The material side of the “connection”, the economic reason of the convenience approach appeared, so I asked him: “Do you like her?”. He is not sure. They haven't been together and she is a “rich” widow who longs to have a mate but, the one who called, is used to younger women (like me).

I cannot make others decisions (thanks God for that). He's not sure on what to do, but I reminded him those time girls came to him to seize money, instead of love. Let's say he wanted sex! And sometimes he wasn't aware of his need of love, but time comes when we realized sex is not all and we lacked love for those who truly loved us.

This is the second time I'm being asked to say anything. I told him I was writing on this topic of rejection today, and I recommended him not to marry for money, because divorce will used lately as an excuse. I told him to talk, to see what she needs; because -sooner or later- she can buy what she wants. If sex or company, the world offers it for “free” and I told him I have seen that movie too...

I remember who I was. I don't remember having been with an older woman, except with one I met by 2011. I knew she was two or three years older than me because I noticed her ID card when she paid anything she bought, while I was hugging her tenderly by the back, and the cashier gave her that stuff. She looked younger! She looked like all those girls I have liked and, in fact, she seemed more nice looking than the others I have met, and I saw many pictures of her youth: She looked like all those I never had. I liked her hair, her face, her ways, her body (she is an athlete, and competes in swimming).

That love story lasted few months. I remember having prayed for God's guidance and assurance. I asked Him to direct me and, the thing that confused me more is that I begged Him to confirm if she was the right one I needed...

This nice looking lady is nominatively catholic. I knew that was the 1st reason to avoid that yoke and, the second, was her economic status, which is higher than mine. She is a social city woman and I am an urban hermit who often tries to live this secular life anywhere or in the countryside.

I told her we were that different. I knew we were not to match, but she challenged me to ignore such differences and I believed her words and the way we enjoyed partaking.

I prayed God. I don't remember if I have written my prayers but, each time I prayed, she rang my mobile or sent some SMS. I was so surprised, almost shocked by joy, that more than once I told her I have prayed and, within minutes, she gave a sign and I took it as God's answer. I misunderstood these “signs”, but these came several times, just be the moment I have prayed.

I have told this twice. I want to warn people that this “answers” lead to confusion: If these were God's answers, why they ended up? If these were His, where is the absolute happy result?

I don't have a list of the times I prayed for that relationship. I knew its different social background and it changed to bring me a temporal joy, but not a definite one. Perhaps it happened to help me acknowledge my faults, my sins, my needs (other's needs) as well as hindrances set in the way to holy joy. She was divorced, I am divorced, and two “families” are not easy to deal with. She challenged me to believe and I believed, later she left the relation and became an stranger (I know why! But I won't blame her, but me,who knew the differences and my choice was to believe in the wrong).

There we were with little faults and I enjoyed her company, but she changed her mind and I'm not that one who often pushes. Some divorced ones long to achieve their material goals and I'm learning to live a day after each day. Perhaps I'm too simple minded, but I'm happy with food, shelter and some clothing (just leave me with my PCs. This are “friends” I can write on).

I can't wonder why these “answers” came. Sometimes I wish I could pray with angelic tongues just to let Him know the desire of my heart privately. Let's say if I pray with my spirit it will help me reach God's throne instead of worldly or evil realms, but this tongue is the one I have and there's no other me.

God is above anything and His truth is above all. Some say He is not reached or achieved, but each has his story to write home: What about king David? Many of his words were inspired and no doubt his writing were connected to God and Jesus.

David was a human and had problems with his human flesh. He had more than one wife and we believed he has troubles with his son, who did what he did as a punishment when David sinned against God with Betsabeth (2 Sam.12:11-12)

After the fall comes a spring! Let's be positive after all these things we've lived. Pain has a lesson to bear and to remind others, just in case they be warned and spare themselves some suffering. I knew we both were different but I liked to enjoy her as we were under the same yoke, and that was a lie. It was nice, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life that way, guessing who she will be or trying to model her the way I like, to my convenience. I know how difficult it is to change and changing other's is a miracle only God does in us, first.

Acceptance is a most when I'm being accepted. God accepts me and tells me what's right or wrong. Let's say marriage is a contract with human arrangements. If I fail I'm gone!

Sometimes, we human lie. A love story like “Werther” is a romantic invention from Goethe, just portraying a moment of his lifetime and people. My aunt committed suicide but, before that end, I saw she tried several times before the last.

There were a couple of chances I saw she cut her veins or took pills to die sleeping. She was a beautiful young woman! Her face and body were beyond the average. She had black hair, green eyes with light dark skin and very smart; but she considered life was not worth living with the people she met.

She was studying Psychology and often wrote poems. I saw some of her writings, and I was too child to understand all the beauty and the meaning of her feelings. She had a close friend -Gloria- and both shared what they commonly got (except the secret my aunt got pregnant and something spoiled the relationship she had with an unknown that hurt her).

She threw herself from a building! She called my mom to talk, but she was too busy to go quickly and I don't know if she called more people to talk about her predicament, and probably many would be busy that sad morning.

One or two weeks before, she spent time with me alone. She made peace with me! Because I was not a good boy, and she tried to balance the attention I got from my family instead of allowing my brother to partake my blessings, to be loved, same way I was.

I closed my eyes and I see it faded. I can remember the spot and the cokes she invited me to drink (I wish I could read her writings, because I know understand).

Beauty, sometimes, is a disadvantage. She, like many others, had those who wooed just for pleasure or human lust. I know nothing about her, but I know many use their appeal to draw what they want and who they want.

Today, more than ever, makeup serves to be noticed and to let others know “I am free” or “I need somebody here”. Teens disagree with this standpoint but, why are they competing to look better or being popular? Yes! It helps to look better but, what for?

I'm not blind, and I confess some women or girls wear shorts with good legs I often stare. Todays fashion allows any to see what's in there, without paying attention that it is at lust we often see and, as Proverbs 20:12 said: “Eyes are to see...” I'm just acknowledging my secular life. There is an exercise to ignore such beauty but I wish I had more control on me and, the best way, is being out of the world or totally separated, like a monk (Will I change my inner human nature?)

Time is passing by and it takes its toll. This passion fades and I'm set free: I'm not like that, I'm not like that I man was. And many were hurt, while getting to nowhere.

I just think at those like “Werther” or my aunt. It just reminded me Emily Brontë's Heat-cliff... See how he gets money to get what he lacks... Was it love or a masculine vengeance?

Yesterday I visited a family, and the man in there was so nice when telling his wife he was happy that that woman took him... They acted in accordance with their words, and that hug was not rhetoric, so I felt that sweet moment, around a cup of coffee with milk they gave me...

Look at The Beauty and The Beast tale. These reminds me of a convenient marriage. Those that are arranged for money and seldom real love. How far am I from prostitution?

What does it make me to love instead of reacting in opposition to love business?

Sweet words or a thin body?

I have seen movies where actors lie. Most of them are not believers and Hollywood sells its “magic”, same way as Disney's. Am I allowed to compare how many wives Salomon or David had? Can I mention those Abram got? Agar was second, Sarah first... Jacob was a trick! He wanted one (Rachel) but was abused to get the one he really liked. Is life abusing you and me?

Perhaps we have to pay a high price to find what we want (2 Sam. 24:24). We need to know rejection to be kind when doing so, in our natural process of making choices, and I long having being granted same way Adam was: A woman made for him (but I can leave my dreams out) (it's getting too late now).

These guys stayed with them and never divorced, but we do. It is emotionally and economically convenient to sail away but, what about children? They ALSO feel rejection (and I blamed my Elisha coming without an invitation).

Recently I watched a movie from www.samaritanrevival.com. In Spanish it is called “Libérame” (Set me free). I saw several guys, dressed in black, wearing chains (just watch it!).

See the names their t-shirts wear: Drugs, Hate, Jealousy, Pride, Anger, Guilt, ...and Rejection. How many times I was like one of those “angels”? How long did it took me to know it personally?

When being young I never believed I would be old. When old people came I paid too little attention and, being old, I'm not like those who like to walk with older people. I'm old (52) but I have problems to let some people to come in. I don't like my age, and probably will not grow old enough to accept I'm old.

A friend told me, last week, she like young boys or people younger than she is. I said: “It's okey! I'm like you”. Today I told the one who called that he needs to know the reason why he plans to be in a relationship with an older lady. She is a widow, perhaps rich, but not a stupid.

We men react for what we see and, if this person is not liked, she will know. There are chances we love from the heart, but our body responds from what we have liked: Both men and women.

See how the image of women is exploited, like a gold mine (and girls do their part as a product, same way as Desmond Morris portrayed in his books).

A shop with closed windows seldom sells and we had better listening, as Jesus said: “The mouth speaks volumes from the heart”.

By 2012 I tried to help a woman. She seemed to die in sorrow, but something changed while I was giving her a hand and I fell in love (but it wasn't), so we better walk in God's ways, otherwise the pain is worst and I know others learn by the hard way.

Stay away when being warned.

Don't go too far when being asked.

Built relationships and seldom destroy them.

Don't ask what your are not willing to give.

Do good and avoid hurting.

Love each people as much as you can and as much as they allow you to.

Show your face and do not hide. Hidden places are not safe places.

I don't know the whole of that song named “Father and son”. According to what I heard, the message is not bad.

Just live and find your place.

A.T.

Acknowledge limits

Some people comb and wash their faces before allowing others to meet or see. Let's say spouses allow to see and kiss each other before doing this convenient facts but, before being engaged or married, they both avoided being seen so.

Let's say we seldom go out naked or just wearing intimate clothing. We were told not to do it after being grown or during the process of early youth, so we seldom let brothers or sisters looked at us naked, that way we used when being babies, when needing help to get those dirty diapers removed.

Let's say we are trespasser, transgressors. We know what we did and what we're told not to do, but we sometimes fail doing what it is asked or sought.

Wifes hate husbands bringing dirty into their houses, particularly when a wife is that who often cleans.

It is written “Do not lie”, but we don't understand that cheating is more than that...

What makes you to do what it is not expected from you to do? (Don't stare at me, I'm alike).

1)    Lack of respect? You and I ask people not to do “this”, but we often do what they don't want us to do.

2)    Disobedience? We are told not to spoil the earth, but we throw trash everywhere. We criticize smokers or car drivers, but we set fire on bigger things (even with the tongue).

3)     Selfish or self centered? We don't want to be hurt or offended, but we keep on doing things people asked not to do with them.

Once each week I work with computers. I have dealt with their problems and virus and many come by surfing the Internet (MS and many send them for free) (their idea is you buy and pay). Some know to spy your docs, your personal data, same way you are permitted to freely download music form other computers (when using Torrents, Ares, Tubecatcher, Emule, etc.) I like to get data from Google and those browsers which know where I am by scanning my IP and IMEI. This is like being social, when people are awfully sick. Do I know the limits or the risk of this file sharing?

I have asked some friends not to send me FWRs. They can be nice, worth reading, but I find them impersonal. More than that, I avoid virus and certainly dislike those FWRs that ask me to re-send those FWRs. I hate those FWRs that try to bind my mind in a chain. These tell you: “If you love God (or Christ) re-send”. (Would that be the Christ like way, by the way?)

I seldom read FWRs (I delete them) and those who insist on sending them TO ME I consider disrespectful. Perhaps I told them “not to send” twice, they have no idea on the time I have spend fixing a machine and, what concerns me more, is avoiding others PCs were damage, because in my country many people avoid paying OS's legal licenses (They suffer more when cherished personal data or pictures are lost) (Recovery is useless is not securing or backing up data).

Reputation is important, my job matters me; but some people don't know the limits: We cannot get what we aren't paying for. The quality of a friendship has the same seal I have for others respect. If I want honor, I myself must honor others; so I had better knowing what they expect from me, to know what I can offer them: For free or priced.

God Himself, being much more than High, respect our realm. He does not force us to do His will. He invites us to do what it is best, and has let us to learn the hard way. He gives His advice, He told us what to do -what He expects from us- and has let some to be what we were and what we are... How long will He let us to hurt others? How long does it take us to learn the best WAY?

He has set a time and a limit. We are trespassers, transgressors, but there are limits we cannot go beyond, and this are lifetime, divine and human laws and those who come and are gone.

My mind tells me I will not woo a bossy woman. It tells me I don't like the people I don't like, because there is no need to tell others how you are (you don't need to be cracked) except when you pour yourself on God's hands.

Recently someone told me she is a little confused. She has a boyfriend who pays little attention on her emotions. He is not so affective with her, and her confusion lies on the other guy who is attentive, kind and sweet. She is lightly engaged with the first. She knows some limits, but the other seems interested in her, knowing she has a boyfriend and, each time the last meets, she felt more “loved” or cherished.

I told her that, after a year, as an average, people change in a relationship, particularly when one has achieved what he/she has sought (sex, affection or attention) (and I know these because I have lived).

When talking she knew the situation she is in... I told her that, not being a committed Christian, will lead both to sex. Such an affection or attention is not bad, but will drive them both to things connected to sex. What would be the end result?

She is becoming an adult and I told her mother... Her mother and I spoke largely and learnt many things on today's youth. I did many wrong things when being young, but today they have video cameras to record them and to upload those deeds to seek “glory” (or recurrent shame). Do I know my limits?

Some people I know told me: “Freely love”, “Don't think too much...” And I have seen how we walk all over people's emotions, dreams and expectations. I know how some nice looking faces are sought like gold. These have the “advantage” of saying yes or not to whom ever they want and, ask them how happy they are or how many they hurt...

Body beauty is appealing and many use to hide and try to be invisible (others, just the opposite way: Sometimes it helps). Allow me to say I would like a woman who writes like Emily Brontë, but will hate one who cheats or behaves like a dog in the streets (I know my limits).

I'm thankful God gave me the chance to learn from this life. Sometimes I wish I could do what Adam Sadler does in the movie “Click” (push some bottoms to go farther or stop it) and, as a gift, be finally pulled back with God's help to life; but I acknowledge my limits.

Sometimes we're not given a second time (that's one common limit). Sometimes we don't see others lines and jumped above neighbor's fences. We want these things done, we ask too many things, but bypassing other's expectations. What about the commandments? Do God need me to be happy? (Is it not I who needs Him?)

Sometimes I dislike not having enough time. I regret few tiny achievement, each day, but step by step we traveled long. What if living a day of 40 hour? Won't I feel the same lack? I set a limit and it could be a simple and honest joy: I did what I could (same as you, each day).

There are thousands of reasons to like or dislike people. We all are the same! Some of us try to open doors and sometimes we shut them before going in.

Too often we try to be heard, to get some attention, and dislike others have their ways and point of views. We childish expects others to behave, while we blindly see no other way, but ours. Shame on me! (I'm a blind man who often see what I see and not to mention I'm unwilling to note others warns).

There is an individual dialog between us an our mind. We like to hear that inner voice who longs to be heard and sometimes we missed her, and paid too little attention, when we lacked this Christian insight we have now. Loneliness comes when I stopped listening me and others. Loneliness comes when I draw myself and isolate from others, whatever the reason I could have thought of: I forgot my limits and theirs.

I have a pen friend who is writing at me... She said she dislikes people who listen music at high volume, no matter the music it be. She doesn't care if they love tattoos, change the color of their head or do drugs... “whatever thing any does without hurting me or embarrassing others is Ok” (We're talking about limits). Are not the commandments to avoid hurting others and oneselves?

Drugs consumers affect society. Any can say: “That's their problem” but WILL AFFECT ours. He or she has rights, and these affects social surroundings (we need that control).

God respects self-willed people, but He has His will also. Who am I to say no to His limits? He cuts the eternal life at those who are unwilling to understand this 2nd, 3rd... or any chance (I don't know how many, but I have heard of those who changed and of those who never repented).

Tradition limits our understanding. Shortcomings have handicapped some steps we reluctantly did and finally we left when feeling dismayed or disappointed, when not acknowledging the true limits: We hate being hurt; but we lie, we gossip, I cheat... Does my law serve me, and not others?

I don't want to be engaged with those I don't like. I've been invited to go out, to share, but there is not communion between light and darkness (let's say I'm in the shadows).

I tried to understand the world according to my hunches, to other's beliefs, and I will not stop talking to me, alone or in nobody's company. I'm happy those who kindly gave what I needed and I want nothing what´s not really mine: Emotions fade as years go by.

What would this world be without holy standards?

What would this be without God and His morals?

I came too short! I'm not any better, but certainly not worst (and I own Him all I lived).

I own Him more than this life, and I have told Him that I don't want eternity without being advised, being told, on what to do. I don't know what could be the best!

Some years ago I moved to Colombia and sold out all I could. I planned not to come back but I came, and he only knows my truly me. I haven't lost everything but I lost anything, and I don't want to spend the rest of this earthly life trying and trying, achieving nothing, because heaven is the limit.

I wish you could hear Him talk. Some missed their mothers or fathers, but I miss Him whom I have missed all my life. I was stubborn, I still the same, but I don't walk to walk this darkness without hearing, without touching His guiding hands: I am blind! I cannot not see life without Him.

God is God, and I see Jesus as His Son (Same way I see Him as He saw Himself) (I'm not Trinitarian nor Triune).

This “love” I try to express is different from others. It is not the missing of my Dad. It never reaches my Mom's bonds (and she is here, in this room, trying to convince me to wash some things I don't want) :P

God's limits are unknown. I'm learning to love Him for the Person He is. I hate the idea of looking after Him as Provider (and He is). I dislike talking, alone, as a prayer; because I sometimes needed to talk, and I know he heard.

This liking is sexless and with no gender. When I needed His words or works, He sent an man (or a woman) to speak to me. I know He uses circumstances to talk to (louder, sometimes) and He lacks nothing to say or do (It is I who lacks and comes short). These reasons are acknowledged! (namely limits).

I don't know why He made me to be. There was an English teacher (Elisa) who once wrote me “that she would regret not having been lived...”  She was right! We learnt the hard way.

Why are you angry?

Why are you all alone?

We did what we did and, as my friend MS says: “There's no need to cry over the milk spilled”. (Sometimes there's a second or a third chance).

Perhaps my dream reminds a dream. Perhaps I get it; perhaps I build over it. And I've seen how some of these take time (and effort) to be real and to be done. Life is a blind date! We don't know whom we are going to meet.

Just one more thing for you: Be visible! Hide and run when it be needed, but don't spend your life that way (Time is passing by and we're not assured when the next chance will come).

Show that face! Laugh till you die: No one will bring you what you stopped giving others.

Don't be too serious when telling a lie: Just give them the truth without hurting others, same way you would like to be blessed with real truth.

Love is not an option, but a must. Do not lie! Don't give others anything, if you don't know what you really want nor what they really need.

Relationships are built on some personal conveniences. Will you let others come to steal or hurt you?

Friendship and love are not to be begged, but to be given...

If you don't feel it, don't give it. It is like laughing!... You know when there is real joy with the people you are with (Don't lie at you) (Don't do that to others).

A.T.

This means.

What does this mean? Each time I see her name written.

I feel myself bitten, and her distance left me be ignored,

that hearing about her brings me joy

and she will bring others their cure.

She has a heart no one sees,

all I have seen seem are her deeds

She plants her seeds on soft soil.

I really don't know what's her worth

to tell all the truth with shut mouth

'cos she has blessed many lives.

I wish I could shout it out loud

and limits ignore I'm bowed

she has left blind open eyes.

What does this mean?

Her name tastes me like

sweet words my ears cannot

clearly hear.

Why am I feeling that?

I haven't  heard her voice.

I haven't seen her face.

My eyes ran in a race

these words, as horses,

won't win.

Where all these words

I begin, to write down

to understand...

She is not even my friend.

I just don't know where she is.

If love is the banner she raised,

why human hurt her so bad?

I'd better attack with my sword

to pull all of them back.

What do I need to find out?

Those whom I liked had no cure.

I will be bowed down for love

where the arm of her shield is secured.

A.T.   May 2013

Amar a consignación.

Lo que se fue no fue amor, sino una consignación de afectos,

una inversión a esa suerte de lotería, en el mercado de las emociones.

Amar a consignación es entregar un cheque en blanco

con la promesa del aval de quienes le firman.

Se entrega si se quiere, quizá con afecto puro y,

pese a lo que sea duro, no se miran los defectos.

Es transarse con afectos, no esperando hallar descuentos.

Que no sean los lamentos, la protesta de lo anulado.

Sí sabrá quien haya amado, mucho duele el descontento.

Te desgarran las rebajas, mucho más que el interés.

Bien reparas si no ves, el amor consignado.

Desagradables los descuentos, si dudaren de tu firma.

El cariño no se afirma, si se da por interés.

¿Qué te dice quien no ve? Sólo un número confirma.

Quien no ame nada firma, todo un cheque en mora es.

El amar es consignar, un valor que se ha otorgado.

Todo aquel que hubo amado, algo dio por un querer.

Es empeñarse, como prenda, por debajo del valor.

Sepan bien que el amor, vale más que tener.

¿Quién anhela en esa suerte, dar pérdida en la ganancia?

Sólo pierde la distancia, aquel quien invirtió bien.

Amar en consignación, es apostarle a la vida

y se borran las heridas, si se quiere con amor.

El azar y los imprevistos, son partes de ese negocio

¿Y quién quiere por divorcio? La moneda del infortunio.

Amar es consignar abonos a la fe, no descuentos.

Dar no es forzar los resultados, sino los aportes.

El amor es una inversión que, primeramente, se consigna.

Las ganancias no son la meta, sino el arte del negocio y,

por pérdida, ganamos experiencias que capitalizan...

¡Teme allí!... Quién no consigne su amor.

A.T.

Stop my fall

I´m sick of being alone.

Eternally lost without you.

Come on! Let me in.

There´s no time

I should be in.

Open your eyes

Why can´t you see?

It´s my time

I want you hear.

Come!

Come on, my dear

Stop my faults

I want you here.

Stop my fall

Can´t I draw near?

Oh! Please!

Come on!

Let me be dear.

There´s no more time,

darkness begins.

I want you shine

I let you in.

Stop my fall.

This being alone

makes me feel sick.

Stop my fall

I let you in.

Break all these chains

Let´s take a break.

You´ve made me feel

my missing piece.

Stop my fall

and love me all.

Stop my faults!

You´ve shed new life

and peace in me.                   

A.T.

Caracas, Venezuela

Jan 9, 2013 (Edited May 2013).

Am I forgiven?

I´m just checking a site for dating and meeting (those that are "Christians", but using some fake profiles) and I read this:

"...He should be involved in a Bible believing Church, be kind, understanding, loving, be spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically fit. He should not smoke, drink, use drugs, or be divorced."

Quickly I felt we have the right to say our truth and what we expect from others IF WE PLAN TO MAKE A LIFE TOGETHER, but we sometimes become a judge and ask MORE THAN WE´RE GIVING IN... (God forgave us, but we´re harder than HE IS).

Let´s say I´m healed, and it´s lawful to expect certain good things I want others to be or do, while I AM doing nothing to make it happens (even in my own family).

I could say I´d like to re-marry. I could say I regret ALL MY MISTAKES and those failures that led me to divorce, but I could critize the bias some of US have to ACCEPT OTHERS the way they are TO HELP THEM to the ones they could be.

I know the reasons I have to avoid fat people, drinkers or smokers (all know what each avoid) but publishing and ad banning those who are fat, ugly, rich-poor will stop any to interact, to draw near and befriend... How come will I share a bit (a byte) of my tiny love?

I can say "I don´t want to marry a woman who has been in jail", but WHO AM I? since all my sins DESERVE PUNISHMENT, even death penalty.

Allow me to laugh! (  ) Some of us are afraid. Afraid to love, to accept people (the way they are). We are afraid! Even to leave a tiny line of comment under some posts, blogs or simple isolated prayers.

I´m thankful most of the people I´ve read (here) are not like F.B. or twitters... 

Te esperaré

 

Nunca más cruzados brazos

Cana, negra, blanca o fea.

Te buscaré dónde te vea,

Como amor en mi regazo.

Te esperaré.

Sanaré la herida junto a la mía.

Te ansiaré, cual mañana busca un ocaso

Como amor vejado, hecho pedazos

En lo que diste a otro, y no fue mío…

Te desearé,

Como la noche suspira otra luna,

Como sueños, en desnudos lazos,

Como amor, fresco y sin rechazo,

Ávido de ti: Mi pecho te ansía.

Mis brazos tibios, te declaman

Buscando tonos de alegría;

Te honraré, como los que aman,

Hasta ese minuto, y último día.

Te buscaré,

Como quien larga la espera;

En hallar todo, de la nada;

¡Cómo quiero que me quieras!

y que seas tú, mi amada.

Te esperaré, antes del fin de mis días.

Te buscaré como la noche a sus mañanas.

Cada minuto, que permitas,

Para que sepas quien te ama (si tienes ganas).

Aunque tu mundo yazga en pedazos,

Te buscaré y no estoy vacío...

Si tu amor se ha roto en retazos,

Sana conmigo, sin desvaríos.

Te esperaré

Te aguardaré

Marchemos juntos a otra vida:

Si hay amor, siempre hay salida.

Te esperaré y te buscaré…

Amar siempre fue mi decisión.

Sí he fallado (y me han fallado)

No hace mella a mi ilusión.

Te buscaré, te esperaré:

Amar es mi decisión.

Y, si el pasado me quitó vida,

Quizá mañana halla emoción.

Te deseo en la dicha y la desdicha.

Así vivas el todo, sin apostar nada.

¿Qué sería de uno el hombre?

Si cada uno no viere a Amada.

Parezcan los sueños rotos,

¡Eso no es vida! Ni era nada.

Te espero en la desdicha,

Cuando estés desilusionada.

Y, quizá, más allá,

Más lejos que esta aurora,

Se comprenda al decidir,

Que el amarse no se  implora.

Soñar no cuesta nada,

Y el amar lo pide todo.

¿Seré yo a quién tú ansiabas?

Y sin querer, viví a mi modo.

Te buscaré, te esperaré,

Tras los colores de la vida.

Te llamaré, te soñaré;

Y que se sanen las heridas.

¡Te esperaré!

Como busca el agua la tierra seca.

¡Te buscaré!

¡Te esperaré!

Como el río fluye al mar.

Como la arena rueda a su orilla

Como el cielo sostiene a las aves

Como la vida clama más vida.

Que tu dios no sea pagano,

Para que mi sueño no sea en vano.

Te esperaré

Te soñaré…

Como al rocío de cada día

Que viste a las mañanas;

Como el amor -en juventud-

Que va de a poco, a las entrañas.

Te desearé como la noche,

Desnudo, ya sin nada;

Amor fresco en tu regazo,

Ávido, de la deseada.

Y al final de mis días,

Te esperaré si tienes ganas;

Cada minuto, que permitas,

Para que sepas quien te ama.

A.T.             Octubre 2012 y Marzo 2013