Rejection

I don't know how most of the people are. I have no idea, since my experience is very limited in time and scope. I have some clues from me and these are the tips I got to understand my life.

We came into this world knowing nothing and the 1st thing we learned is satisfying our basic needs: Breathing and Feeding are commonly acknowledged as our basic needs and, while in our mother's womb, we were good at diving. Didn't we?

The first lesson we were told was breathing. I don't remember the push and, the lesson number two was I needed to be fed. Some how I knew it was needed, because I was cherished when crying or pleasing when hugged (if I were born this size, with this face, I know I wouldn't be fed). Will you? Ha! Ha!

It's easy to feed babies! They make new sounds and our emotions tenderly change to give rather than taking. Let's say some won't be totally happy and, in secrecy, some adults or kids will lose attention and will recent it, at certain degree. Let's say some mothers and fathers are happy for a new baby, but it has been seen sad stories like that of Cain and Abel. Allowed be to say that dogs sometimes are more concerned to nurture their family that some of us “humans” (There are too many reasons: Factors related to the economy; the present state of the relationship and mind of the spouses or mates; the climate of the season; the space in each shelter / roof /country; etc.)

Nature teaches me better than human life. City people are somehow limited to learn from it, but she keeps on telling you things. These two last weeks I learned a lot from watching dogs in heat. I guess they have a couple of things in common with us and, when selecting mates (which is a choice) they don't look at the wallet or the economy like us. Perhaps they don't look at “tenderness”, because the one the female dog receives is hypocrisy, and it is given to certain area of her body, as long as she is willing to receive it from the dog she likes... (Here there is common ground in humans behavior).

The dog she likes is strong, or good to discourage other's sexual drive. I've seen how they barked, bite and showed their teeth to keep the competence away. These too want their ride, same way any would like to be seated on a horse, and I'm just describing dogs, humans or monkeys like those who like “riding” a horse.

That intercourse is not love, it lacks that bond, and I have seen dogs cared their babies better than me. They train them to grow up and probably “love” one more than the others, because I had dogs and rabbits, and learnt from their “parental” behavior.

I love Joshua more than Elisha. I enjoyed Monica more than my ex-wife, so I understand Jacob likes. I would have liked one more than the others. I would have liked Josh more than any other Benjamin, and all these things are connected to choices, likes, preferences.

The female dog accepts one. Those I've seen looked nice for her and, after doing their thing, these have gone, and I laughed at that, all those that were rejected, somehow stayed near, trying to get their chance to climb the high mountain to have their ride. Believe me! This literally looks like the life I have seen.

I know real stories of people who never liked a person. She disliked something of him but, he insisted on, he kept on and won that relationship. By time, after getting what that one wanted, the connection ended up (sometimes sadly).

Now, while I'm typing, I received a phone call. Someone sought advice and he is younger than the lady who is asking for his company. The material side of the “connection”, the economic reason of the convenience approach appeared, so I asked him: “Do you like her?”. He is not sure. They haven't been together and she is a “rich” widow who longs to have a mate but, the one who called, is used to younger women (like me).

I cannot make others decisions (thanks God for that). He's not sure on what to do, but I reminded him those time girls came to him to seize money, instead of love. Let's say he wanted sex! And sometimes he wasn't aware of his need of love, but time comes when we realized sex is not all and we lacked love for those who truly loved us.

This is the second time I'm being asked to say anything. I told him I was writing on this topic of rejection today, and I recommended him not to marry for money, because divorce will used lately as an excuse. I told him to talk, to see what she needs; because -sooner or later- she can buy what she wants. If sex or company, the world offers it for “free” and I told him I have seen that movie too...

I remember who I was. I don't remember having been with an older woman, except with one I met by 2011. I knew she was two or three years older than me because I noticed her ID card when she paid anything she bought, while I was hugging her tenderly by the back, and the cashier gave her that stuff. She looked younger! She looked like all those girls I have liked and, in fact, she seemed more nice looking than the others I have met, and I saw many pictures of her youth: She looked like all those I never had. I liked her hair, her face, her ways, her body (she is an athlete, and competes in swimming).

That love story lasted few months. I remember having prayed for God's guidance and assurance. I asked Him to direct me and, the thing that confused me more is that I begged Him to confirm if she was the right one I needed...

This nice looking lady is nominatively catholic. I knew that was the 1st reason to avoid that yoke and, the second, was her economic status, which is higher than mine. She is a social city woman and I am an urban hermit who often tries to live this secular life anywhere or in the countryside.

I told her we were that different. I knew we were not to match, but she challenged me to ignore such differences and I believed her words and the way we enjoyed partaking.

I prayed God. I don't remember if I have written my prayers but, each time I prayed, she rang my mobile or sent some SMS. I was so surprised, almost shocked by joy, that more than once I told her I have prayed and, within minutes, she gave a sign and I took it as God's answer. I misunderstood these “signs”, but these came several times, just be the moment I have prayed.

I have told this twice. I want to warn people that this “answers” lead to confusion: If these were God's answers, why they ended up? If these were His, where is the absolute happy result?

I don't have a list of the times I prayed for that relationship. I knew its different social background and it changed to bring me a temporal joy, but not a definite one. Perhaps it happened to help me acknowledge my faults, my sins, my needs (other's needs) as well as hindrances set in the way to holy joy. She was divorced, I am divorced, and two “families” are not easy to deal with. She challenged me to believe and I believed, later she left the relation and became an stranger (I know why! But I won't blame her, but me,who knew the differences and my choice was to believe in the wrong).

There we were with little faults and I enjoyed her company, but she changed her mind and I'm not that one who often pushes. Some divorced ones long to achieve their material goals and I'm learning to live a day after each day. Perhaps I'm too simple minded, but I'm happy with food, shelter and some clothing (just leave me with my PCs. This are “friends” I can write on).

I can't wonder why these “answers” came. Sometimes I wish I could pray with angelic tongues just to let Him know the desire of my heart privately. Let's say if I pray with my spirit it will help me reach God's throne instead of worldly or evil realms, but this tongue is the one I have and there's no other me.

God is above anything and His truth is above all. Some say He is not reached or achieved, but each has his story to write home: What about king David? Many of his words were inspired and no doubt his writing were connected to God and Jesus.

David was a human and had problems with his human flesh. He had more than one wife and we believed he has troubles with his son, who did what he did as a punishment when David sinned against God with Betsabeth (2 Sam.12:11-12)

After the fall comes a spring! Let's be positive after all these things we've lived. Pain has a lesson to bear and to remind others, just in case they be warned and spare themselves some suffering. I knew we both were different but I liked to enjoy her as we were under the same yoke, and that was a lie. It was nice, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life that way, guessing who she will be or trying to model her the way I like, to my convenience. I know how difficult it is to change and changing other's is a miracle only God does in us, first.

Acceptance is a most when I'm being accepted. God accepts me and tells me what's right or wrong. Let's say marriage is a contract with human arrangements. If I fail I'm gone!

Sometimes, we human lie. A love story like “Werther” is a romantic invention from Goethe, just portraying a moment of his lifetime and people. My aunt committed suicide but, before that end, I saw she tried several times before the last.

There were a couple of chances I saw she cut her veins or took pills to die sleeping. She was a beautiful young woman! Her face and body were beyond the average. She had black hair, green eyes with light dark skin and very smart; but she considered life was not worth living with the people she met.

She was studying Psychology and often wrote poems. I saw some of her writings, and I was too child to understand all the beauty and the meaning of her feelings. She had a close friend -Gloria- and both shared what they commonly got (except the secret my aunt got pregnant and something spoiled the relationship she had with an unknown that hurt her).

She threw herself from a building! She called my mom to talk, but she was too busy to go quickly and I don't know if she called more people to talk about her predicament, and probably many would be busy that sad morning.

One or two weeks before, she spent time with me alone. She made peace with me! Because I was not a good boy, and she tried to balance the attention I got from my family instead of allowing my brother to partake my blessings, to be loved, same way I was.

I closed my eyes and I see it faded. I can remember the spot and the cokes she invited me to drink (I wish I could read her writings, because I know understand).

Beauty, sometimes, is a disadvantage. She, like many others, had those who wooed just for pleasure or human lust. I know nothing about her, but I know many use their appeal to draw what they want and who they want.

Today, more than ever, makeup serves to be noticed and to let others know “I am free” or “I need somebody here”. Teens disagree with this standpoint but, why are they competing to look better or being popular? Yes! It helps to look better but, what for?

I'm not blind, and I confess some women or girls wear shorts with good legs I often stare. Todays fashion allows any to see what's in there, without paying attention that it is at lust we often see and, as Proverbs 20:12 said: “Eyes are to see...” I'm just acknowledging my secular life. There is an exercise to ignore such beauty but I wish I had more control on me and, the best way, is being out of the world or totally separated, like a monk (Will I change my inner human nature?)

Time is passing by and it takes its toll. This passion fades and I'm set free: I'm not like that, I'm not like that I man was. And many were hurt, while getting to nowhere.

I just think at those like “Werther” or my aunt. It just reminded me Emily Brontë's Heat-cliff... See how he gets money to get what he lacks... Was it love or a masculine vengeance?

Yesterday I visited a family, and the man in there was so nice when telling his wife he was happy that that woman took him... They acted in accordance with their words, and that hug was not rhetoric, so I felt that sweet moment, around a cup of coffee with milk they gave me...

Look at The Beauty and The Beast tale. These reminds me of a convenient marriage. Those that are arranged for money and seldom real love. How far am I from prostitution?

What does it make me to love instead of reacting in opposition to love business?

Sweet words or a thin body?

I have seen movies where actors lie. Most of them are not believers and Hollywood sells its “magic”, same way as Disney's. Am I allowed to compare how many wives Salomon or David had? Can I mention those Abram got? Agar was second, Sarah first... Jacob was a trick! He wanted one (Rachel) but was abused to get the one he really liked. Is life abusing you and me?

Perhaps we have to pay a high price to find what we want (2 Sam. 24:24). We need to know rejection to be kind when doing so, in our natural process of making choices, and I long having being granted same way Adam was: A woman made for him (but I can leave my dreams out) (it's getting too late now).

These guys stayed with them and never divorced, but we do. It is emotionally and economically convenient to sail away but, what about children? They ALSO feel rejection (and I blamed my Elisha coming without an invitation).

Recently I watched a movie from www.samaritanrevival.com. In Spanish it is called “Libérame” (Set me free). I saw several guys, dressed in black, wearing chains (just watch it!).

See the names their t-shirts wear: Drugs, Hate, Jealousy, Pride, Anger, Guilt, ...and Rejection. How many times I was like one of those “angels”? How long did it took me to know it personally?

When being young I never believed I would be old. When old people came I paid too little attention and, being old, I'm not like those who like to walk with older people. I'm old (52) but I have problems to let some people to come in. I don't like my age, and probably will not grow old enough to accept I'm old.

A friend told me, last week, she like young boys or people younger than she is. I said: “It's okey! I'm like you”. Today I told the one who called that he needs to know the reason why he plans to be in a relationship with an older lady. She is a widow, perhaps rich, but not a stupid.

We men react for what we see and, if this person is not liked, she will know. There are chances we love from the heart, but our body responds from what we have liked: Both men and women.

See how the image of women is exploited, like a gold mine (and girls do their part as a product, same way as Desmond Morris portrayed in his books).

A shop with closed windows seldom sells and we had better listening, as Jesus said: “The mouth speaks volumes from the heart”.

By 2012 I tried to help a woman. She seemed to die in sorrow, but something changed while I was giving her a hand and I fell in love (but it wasn't), so we better walk in God's ways, otherwise the pain is worst and I know others learn by the hard way.

Stay away when being warned.

Don't go too far when being asked.

Built relationships and seldom destroy them.

Don't ask what your are not willing to give.

Do good and avoid hurting.

Love each people as much as you can and as much as they allow you to.

Show your face and do not hide. Hidden places are not safe places.

I don't know the whole of that song named “Father and son”. According to what I heard, the message is not bad.

Just live and find your place.

A.T.