I think

sometimes, I cannot close my eyes
to breathe in the air she leaves going by.

I just tried to figured out
and I felt fainted: Shot at my eyes.

I don´t think I could breathe
with a sigh, holding back enough air.

Just to hide - with a lie-
I´m not feeling alive, once again.


A.T.

Few notes on Reward Systems

I guess many knows them here. These are raised and developed since we were born, cared, hugged and loved. It changed and was modeled when we went to school and that served us when we went to work. Money, power and several sort of human pleasures added some mood to our reward system.

I remember many things of childhood. Some are not nightmares visiting me each day, because I acknowledged those things I made wrong and those that were done by someone who also failed. I'm not the only part who is responsible for the good -and evil facts- that shaped my life. I should be more responsible for my loved ones, my children, and other's children too.

My reward system knows whom I like, what things I like and don't and -of course- money is on top of those cheap things we can be giving others to nurture (and shape) their reward system.

My daughter is on a new life stage. She thinks she is beautiful, desirable, date-able and strong. I'm trying to help her, but she is just where the “help” she wants is out is my hand (and I'm out of her priorities in her reward system). She is where she takes and misses what she thinks best, but I will not stop giving her some advices, I will try to coach as much as I can, and I know she is strong willed (somehow stubborn).

I know my son's visceral reward system. They're enjoying what I try my daughter avoid, as long as I see viscerality is not good out of marriage. Those brothers I have are very well known and sought (and demanded) and, of course, they have no ears to hear what I'm trying to say: Don't use ladies, don't abuse those who love you; but I have no control on their life, I'm not a cop to watch what they do in their privacy (and out of my reach).

I'm being rude to tell Joy those risks she could sort out when knowing most of those guys who would pretend her loving are just seeking the same thing my sons do with other girls in those neighborhoods I don't know.

Reward systems are too egotic, too self-poised (erotic and stubborn).

The school helped us to be the persons we are. That social interaction helped us to be the one we liked and those one we hate having been. There we shaped the good and the evil we know know. We had a reward system there that helped us to be the ones we are now.

Did you like history, science or arts? Those grades we received pushed our ego to seek what we liked and, later on, those likes helped us to get money instead of the approval (and social recognition) grades gave us in childhood at several schools.

My mother is not that one who would come to hug you and say: “I love you”. But if you just give her a bag of milk power (or coffee) she will be happy and honestly thankful, because her reward system is alive (and kicking) at her 73. Ha! Ha!

Some of us knew differently how each personal reward system works. Mine could be too hedonistic, while others are so stoic and holier than many (or few).

Some persons “modeled” their reward system into a compulsion. Some do like to change how their life looks like, other do like to move and change their furniture or the paint color in their houses, but other keep on cleaning the house the whole day and get annoyed when they feel “nobody helps them clean the house”. Have you heard that?

Perhaps you are the owner of the entire house -at least a single room- and those persons come inside your room (your life) to try to change your whole world... Wee!

It is their compulsion, their reward system asking you to get involved in those things you don't like, you don't need or have bypassed largely, for months or years.

Some of them, needing some sort of daily achievement, will ask you to remove the trash can THEY SAY it's in the kitchen, your bedroom, or the backyard (but their closet -and drawers- are full of useless stuff, clothing they will never use again, and they are unwilling to give the needy outside that “home”).

I remember some of my ex-wife's tiny compulsion (now). When she cleaned my space, she made me live a mess. I'm messy, but I got lost when she moved my things out of where “I knew” I left some papers and things. It was so disturbing that I moved to the next floor on the same house we've built and, when we sold it to move to the countryside, I moved twice to avoid her compulsions... Ha! Ha! That did not make me to be a wanderer (I already was) But I was a homie being who loved the order I gave my life, particularly when I had my own room, at the apartment my brother Alain and I knew as home, as long as we lived with my dad's mother and her family.

Mónica, on the contrary, did the same chores, but often asked me permission to move my messy things and I often did THAT JOB with her and -her whole life- richly blessed my messy life (I'm not perfect, but Mónica's life gave me those lessons I needed to improve my reward system).

I'm happy now!

I became somewhat over-sharer here (as often) and stopped to think on the blessing God has given me (to enforce and develop my reward system). The family where I grew up, the things I did, the persons I like (and dislike) served me to get the place where I am, the man I am, and the person I could be.

Deep inside me I laughed (hiding some tears you won't see). I guess these words could useless, unnecessary, but I write to balance “the compulsion” I feel to give, to share, to say: “I have lived” and I know my children won't read these words now, and I want to give them some written support to keep in them the memory that I love -and loved- them forever.

These years went so fast. I removed myself from the home I thought I could build close to their life, but my life was a mess with their mother, and I could live a life like that. She is not a monster! Otherwise, I wouldn't have touched her as she touched my life and mind. But we don't belong (and that ended up).

We, as human, having an unique and particular reward system, must know who we are before approaching people. We are not made as a puzzle, but we are puzzled for things (and persons) we cling, liked or tried to get inside our personal reward system.

Have you hugged your children and wife?

Have you told them you love them for free, for the persons they are (telling them how you see them or how you thought they were)?

Reward system has to be enforced (for the good you like and for those things you would like to see).

School gave us good grades on history, psychology, Spanish or English... Those good grades gave us some popularity, some social recognition and “friends” tagged along; but those things served us to be the person we wanted to be, the ones we are now, and gave us the needed information we're using to be the persons we want to be.

Jobs gave us money, as a reward (instead of good grades) and that served us to buy things we thought we needed and to buy stuff we believed others needed. Money is a reward system enforcer (pain also teaches) and its value is above above those grades we received at schools.

Money will not serve you to buy love, but to enforced those things you would like to receive (and see). Social approval cannot be bought by money (not by good grades) but it gives you the recognition some people may think they need to get things their personal achievement is missing or wanting.

I have seen some persons want to buy love and social recognition with money. Good grades were sought at school to get people's attention, social recognition, but those things never said who you really are, the person who is inside the clothing you wear as a mask.

Your deeds speaks louder than your words and words can be used to get social recognition, good grades and money also, but God's approval is above anything. You can buy the world, but the world can sell you as a simple stuff in the social market.

Anyone can be deceived by the world and its reward system.

Society can label you the way they think, or the way you want them to label you. You can buy your “good grades” with anything you have to offer: money, sex, hard work, etc., but glory is bought with sacrifice, honoring God instead of any human (or woman).

Worldly reward system can be “cracked” by lies, but God's cannot not: There's the example of Jesus Christ.

I'm not concerned about eternity. In fact, I'm not over-concerned for anything, but I'd like to teach my kids to acknowledge God instead of this world reward system. If I were not sure He is not the Person I know He is, I would not try to say a word; but my children are not completely deaf, same as yours (in fact, some of us were spiritually deaf and blind, and some people words -and their works- reached us, somehow).

I hope my children love God instead of any world reward system they might find soon.

Mind playing games

This morning I was "dreaming" with things I don't want to. I don't know how, but I have found out my mind is self-willed, she does what she does when I am not awaken, being slept, or falling asleep.

I don't know how to ague to teach her not to do those things SHE IS NOT ALLOWED to do (or tell me).

I don't like her when she says those things I don't want to pay attention to.

I felt disgusted! She has repeated the same “message” she has sent me a couple of times.

I do know who I like, how I could love and -of course- I know my limits to be the perfect lover (the perfect person) the one I'll never be (but I could try to be like that man she thinks -she wants- and deserves).

In that dream (not a nightmare) I saw my ex-wife this morning. (Jan 16, 2014).

If my mind would have warned me to pray for her, I would have prayed aloud but, when she asked me to love her, I feel I hated my mind for playing those bad games.

I'm over! I'm over! (and I don't like her, anymore)

Some of us know the mind has its plays, and also know GOD can use them to talk to our hearts. Bad spirits, also, could “help” the mind to say their lies, so we'd better stay tuned with God's will.

My mind could be a good mate to talk when being or traveling alone a big leg trip on this single life. But I must admit she doesn't behave well when she's left alone to do her things, woke up or slept away.

Reply to a question about rare/odd people... (Draft)

In considering some of questions you asked, Internet served me A LOT to drain my frustrations when I was in the process of divorce, years ago. I was hurt and I guess I was hurting people for those things I said and, but the way, GOD sent me a Catholic friend who helped me to be healed and she, with love, helped me to overcome that sorrow, bitterness, and we became dear friends (we never met personally, but that helped me more than I guess).

On the internet I learned to know me deeply or, if this wasn't like that, my emotional mind was shaped because of the personal or emotional intercourse I got with people online reading my stuff, poetry, blogs or whatever rubbish thin I wrote. I kept files of those things I considered important and, being in the process of being divorced, feeling myself despised, etc., I knew I was guilty of many things and knew I WAS NOT THE ONLY PERSON HURT; so I started to help others same way I have been helped by my friend who always stood "close" and willing to help me DURING YEARS.

On the Internet I knew whom I was, more better than interacting personally with the people I knew, because we often tend to be so superficial.

On line I met a couple of persons I got too involved: For love, for infatuation; but I lacked those experiences, because I was more mundane and my life started to change by 1994, when I was married and interacting with Christlike people I NEVER KNEW personally, up to the day Jesus helped me see and interact with them.

Regarding my being grinchy or grumpy, I don't try to hide or lie. Today, in the morning, a man came to visit my mother and give her his greeting for a new year (a thing I don't see as many). I approached him to say hello and, after few minutes, I couldn't stop myself from telling him my opinion on the several times I have seen him talking to drug consumers, rejected people who live in the streets, homeless, because he is able to feel sympathy and dislikes injustice, and we shared a couple of things I never heard before (those I recommended him to write). He is not Christian, but have lived with those he named "Christian". He wants to know the meaning of life (many things) but he is the type of honest person that will tell you, openly: "I am homosexual and got AIDS".  I like that honesty of him. I think he is brave, a man, because he doesn't lie like the average people I have known and, today, GOD gave me the chance to preach on him (a little).


I'm telling you this personal thing because it happened today (Jan 1st, 2014). I'm telling you I admire people like him and, of course, he knows I won't touch him by hugging or shaking my hands with him (I told him that and behaved that way I said) but he left my mother's home so HAPPY, hugging her the first time (in years), feeling he wasn't rejected for the person he is and he understood why I could be far from his arms, because I try to give no chance to mistakes.

In fact, I told my mother: "Hey! This is the first time you are being hugged by REAL MAN, mother... Lucky you, mom!" and we laughed for a while.

That MAN was happy and told us things I wish I could blog, but I insisted on him to write down his story because, as I said to him: "If I had a record of you talking, if I had the mic in front of you, you will not tell all those things so freely. But LIFE deserves knowing you the way you are, they deserve to know what things you have done in life. I don't care you like men, except you liked me, because I don't like you" (He laughed at this).

Well! I'd better stop this.

People are what they are. I prefer to be me, rather than pretending to be another.

I don't care if I am misunderstood, the problem is not mine, but those who never asked, those who are superficial, those who are the way I don't like (and no one needs me, by the way).

I'm happy, to certain degree.

Two things I dislike

When I once was younger and I didn´t know well. Adults used to say “old times” were better and often I laughed at their saying. How could that be? How could I know, if I was a spring chick?

Now I´m grown old. I see their time and mine. I have some means to see their past, their streets, their pictures, their memories, and I can tell those things you are going to miss when growing too old, too weak or strong to give credit those things that are beautiful in life.

In the Bible -too- you can see people crying (and missing) old times. I liked that part when their temple was re-built and many old people cried and shed their tears.

Jesus told many things will be torn (Mar_13:1-2 Jesus said to him, "Do you see these large buildings? Not one of these stones will be left on top of another. Each one will be torn down."), but memories are a good stronghold you can keep to build and help other persons.

I was raised in a culture I thought I like. When you convert to God, and His Son Jesus, you will know how wrong some things are. Do you know that conversion calls you to be somewhat Jewish?

I don´t know if you have checked how that process is, but I have seen how some people here are turning to Santeria, to Satanism, since many -like me- abandoned Catholicism to follow Jesus the way the Bible says (step by step) just by leaving their culture and its local biased traditions.

For instances, Patriotism is a sort of cult, a state religion, each local country has taught you and me, to die (while others are sit giving you orders)... Was it Jesus´ teaching? That was a Jewish teaching, instead.

If we want, we are to die for those loved ones, not belonging to a physical country or its state religion. On the contrary, traditions have taught us what served them to keep on ruling our ideas...

The Roman “Holy” Empire once visibly existed in Europe... It laid some teachings that are alive (and kicking). It made its syncretism of ideas to get you (and me) to do what they wanted (and still wants).

Few minutes ago, my mother started fighting with me to go out to buy things she likes for her X-mas (She´s finally gone!). He! He!

I can´t get the point about X-mas: Saturnalia feast enjoyed, under another name?

Is it for teaching about Christ?

Is it to enjoy just few days, like carnivals?

My mother is like grumpy. She is stubborn, rarely compassionate outside her heart, and rarely admits this as a fault; because each day she grumbles about almost anything (making me feel I don´t like her anymore, although she was the person I think I deeply loved, when a child).

I cannot believe a thing when this is taught with a lie.

I remember when I found several boxes my dad tried to hide under the bed, one of those days I cherished and enjoyed the lying. I didn´t have the time to speak sharing thoughts about this. He is gone and not dead (I hope).

X-mas is not my season.

I don´t like carnival either, so I had better to hide on those days they do their things the way I did... (Just see it in Peru: “As of 2010, it has become so violent that the government has imposed heavy penalties of up to eight years in prison ”

My life style calendar has to be changed, one of these days.

I´ll be grumpy for being in a place I don´t want to be in...

P.S.

I am not so grumpy!

Few minutes before I published this blog, my mother gave me a can of creamy peanut butter, so I will keep her in my prayers so she be changed to be the mother she could be the rest of each year.

To someone like you

“@In my quest to find Mr Right (or rather hoping he would find me) I have found that dating seems to be a mission... I want someone who has a relationship with Jesus. But I'm finding more and more that so many single guys have this whole act going on in church. You would be so convinced that they are saved and have a relationship with God only to date them and realize that they are playing church just for their family. How do you even know when someone is genuine and someone is not?” @

I loved what you have said. In fact, you are not the only one seeking that Mr Right. You are not alone, and I hope to find that special person, and reading that “you also hope to be found” made me smile, since I once posted the same on blogger.com, some time ago... Ja! Ja!

Twenty years ago, I thought my Mss Right would be in a church. I used to say to God: “Allow me to find her, in a way she looked like my grandmother...” (She was a Baptist woman, and I had wrong ideas on how my grandma was) But I loved the way she was!

Those days I met one woman I liked (and her name was close to my grandmother's, also) Ja! Ja! (I think God showed me how foolish my ideas were, those days).

I liked that relationship we both developed. I wasn't sure she was my Mss Right, but I married her anyhow, because I believed she was “my” Mss Right (She wasn't mine, telling the truth! Same way I wasn't her Mr Right).

The church, as a mean to find friends or spouses, is the same like outside: There's no guaranty on WHO you would find...

I enjoyed the two first years (We spent 13) and I cannot say how long she enjoyed me, but she endured me! (Same way I stood by her side, since both tried to make it function).

Problems came when we realized we were too different, and things became worst when: 

1.    Baby Joshua came... (Money was an issue at that moment) as this is today!
2.    She invited some of her family to live with us  (that spoiled sexual intimacy, personal space and privacy, and those things you will know when facing it yourselves).
3.    Doctrinal and personal beliefs came along to separate ME from hers (She was a Pentecostal and I still being a non-religious Christian believer).
4.    She used to think she was a leader! (a church leader and HOME leader) and her commitment to her Pentecostal denomination made me feel I was isolated, since I was doing my part at the Christian Churches (not thinking I was a leader) Jesus is my leader! (I came to Christ, as my Lord and Savior, through the work of people from the Team Expansion missionaries). 
5.    I married her for physical relief. It wasn't the love I know now. So I failed from the beginning, and I knew something about her I should have divorced before passively thinking: “Probably God wants me to be married and love her the way she is...”

Genuine love is an unidirectional COMMITMENT, not a fixed feeling I condition for convenience.
You don't know a person unless you live with that one you planned to love or marry.

Doctrinal beliefs should be explored first than touching hands, lips, or any part of the body or those changing feelings.

Church is supposed to be the “ideal” place to find out that idealized person, but look at the stories of Rebecca, who was found IN THE STREET, directed by God through prayers (Abraham's, his servant's and Isaac's human longings).

Look at Ruth story... Look at Booz account and his justice... Those people came from afar and outside the religious synagogue or denominational church. Some churches are a sort of kindergarten, home schools or military hospitals for healing wounded hearts... 

What I'm saying is the Church is not exclusive for finding your Mr or Mss Right!

You cannot find your best choice in a disco, in a bar, in a party where they consume drugs or enjoy cheating.

You cannot get your Mr Right if you see his date several girls in a week or if he/she keeps on wooing a couple of girls/women/men at the same time.

You shouldn't marry a woman who thinks (of herself) she is a leader or tries to lead you, as a man. (Remember the saying: “Behind any big man, there is a big woman...”). 

I love to be the one I am! 

God is not religion, but A WAY TO LIVE, more than this materialistic culture.

Of course, I see how materialistic Rebecca was when RECEIVING all that stuff she received on behalf of IsaacŽs name. I saw how materialistic Isaac and I are when staring at outer beauty, since OUR MINDS are set on things that are conditioned or programmed to be understood by OUR EYES, instead of our hearts (or by the spirit of our minds). 

Did Moses marry an ugly woman?
Did he marry a Cushitic woman while Sephora was alive? (Does any of us know more than God?)

Abraham married a nice looking woman. He met her PERSONALLY, not by a hidden picture nor in a Blind date... Why DO many people hide? I know many like to play their games, but I don't like playing hide & seek.

Jacob wanted a nice looking woman, but Laban tricked him to work 7 more years to get Rachel... How long will you be WORKING TO GET HER?

I leave these things on God's...

I barely get enough to my daily living.


Nov 20, 2013

A.T.

Hospitals

Today I had to visit one hospital for some tests on my heart.
I'm the type of person who seldom goes there, but I had
to check how it functions to see I'd resists the
medical treatment to kill the leishmania.

I saw people's faces,
concerned and feeling pains.
Their fears in sorrow,
their blood, their veins.

I felt how some may feel
the way they looked constrained.
There's blood, pissed up...
And all of these are vain?

Some are grieved
some are hurt
I saw their faces
I saw their pain.

Besides -within these-
there's a malign campaign:
Now, I opened the eyes.
We don't want to be there,

Money is sought,
Tears are shared.
And with a hug
someone's there.

My heart is broken
I've found no tear.
No place to run
I have some fears.

My heart is faulty.
I thought it strong.
Don't want to live it.
I wish I'm gone.

Don't know to sort it.
I wish my home.
This fear I let off.
I ain't buy hopes gone.

I'm not yet dying,
It's slow to go.
I wish I'm gone
This fear is on.

They're badly sad.
I saw that face.
They want their home.
As human race.

Some cried aloud,
Just few smiled.
I saw their blood,
their pain around.


I wish I'd receive my treatment now.
I don't want to spend any more day.


Money is sought,
All hopes're spent;
while many mourn,
I'm home again.

Legs or faces are broken.

Restless nights with longer days...

I'm really glad
That's not my case.