Mind playing games

This morning I was "dreaming" with things I don't want to. I don't know how, but I have found out my mind is self-willed, she does what she does when I am not awaken, being slept, or falling asleep.

I don't know how to ague to teach her not to do those things SHE IS NOT ALLOWED to do (or tell me).

I don't like her when she says those things I don't want to pay attention to.

I felt disgusted! She has repeated the same “message” she has sent me a couple of times.

I do know who I like, how I could love and -of course- I know my limits to be the perfect lover (the perfect person) the one I'll never be (but I could try to be like that man she thinks -she wants- and deserves).

In that dream (not a nightmare) I saw my ex-wife this morning. (Jan 16, 2014).

If my mind would have warned me to pray for her, I would have prayed aloud but, when she asked me to love her, I feel I hated my mind for playing those bad games.

I'm over! I'm over! (and I don't like her, anymore)

Some of us know the mind has its plays, and also know GOD can use them to talk to our hearts. Bad spirits, also, could “help” the mind to say their lies, so we'd better stay tuned with God's will.

My mind could be a good mate to talk when being or traveling alone a big leg trip on this single life. But I must admit she doesn't behave well when she's left alone to do her things, woke up or slept away.

Reply to a question about rare/odd people... (Draft)

In considering some of questions you asked, Internet served me A LOT to drain my frustrations when I was in the process of divorce, years ago. I was hurt and I guess I was hurting people for those things I said and, but the way, GOD sent me a Catholic friend who helped me to be healed and she, with love, helped me to overcome that sorrow, bitterness, and we became dear friends (we never met personally, but that helped me more than I guess).

On the internet I learned to know me deeply or, if this wasn't like that, my emotional mind was shaped because of the personal or emotional intercourse I got with people online reading my stuff, poetry, blogs or whatever rubbish thin I wrote. I kept files of those things I considered important and, being in the process of being divorced, feeling myself despised, etc., I knew I was guilty of many things and knew I WAS NOT THE ONLY PERSON HURT; so I started to help others same way I have been helped by my friend who always stood "close" and willing to help me DURING YEARS.

On the Internet I knew whom I was, more better than interacting personally with the people I knew, because we often tend to be so superficial.

On line I met a couple of persons I got too involved: For love, for infatuation; but I lacked those experiences, because I was more mundane and my life started to change by 1994, when I was married and interacting with Christlike people I NEVER KNEW personally, up to the day Jesus helped me see and interact with them.

Regarding my being grinchy or grumpy, I don't try to hide or lie. Today, in the morning, a man came to visit my mother and give her his greeting for a new year (a thing I don't see as many). I approached him to say hello and, after few minutes, I couldn't stop myself from telling him my opinion on the several times I have seen him talking to drug consumers, rejected people who live in the streets, homeless, because he is able to feel sympathy and dislikes injustice, and we shared a couple of things I never heard before (those I recommended him to write). He is not Christian, but have lived with those he named "Christian". He wants to know the meaning of life (many things) but he is the type of honest person that will tell you, openly: "I am homosexual and got AIDS".  I like that honesty of him. I think he is brave, a man, because he doesn't lie like the average people I have known and, today, GOD gave me the chance to preach on him (a little).


I'm telling you this personal thing because it happened today (Jan 1st, 2014). I'm telling you I admire people like him and, of course, he knows I won't touch him by hugging or shaking my hands with him (I told him that and behaved that way I said) but he left my mother's home so HAPPY, hugging her the first time (in years), feeling he wasn't rejected for the person he is and he understood why I could be far from his arms, because I try to give no chance to mistakes.

In fact, I told my mother: "Hey! This is the first time you are being hugged by REAL MAN, mother... Lucky you, mom!" and we laughed for a while.

That MAN was happy and told us things I wish I could blog, but I insisted on him to write down his story because, as I said to him: "If I had a record of you talking, if I had the mic in front of you, you will not tell all those things so freely. But LIFE deserves knowing you the way you are, they deserve to know what things you have done in life. I don't care you like men, except you liked me, because I don't like you" (He laughed at this).

Well! I'd better stop this.

People are what they are. I prefer to be me, rather than pretending to be another.

I don't care if I am misunderstood, the problem is not mine, but those who never asked, those who are superficial, those who are the way I don't like (and no one needs me, by the way).

I'm happy, to certain degree.

Two things I dislike

When I once was younger and I didn´t know well. Adults used to say “old times” were better and often I laughed at their saying. How could that be? How could I know, if I was a spring chick?

Now I´m grown old. I see their time and mine. I have some means to see their past, their streets, their pictures, their memories, and I can tell those things you are going to miss when growing too old, too weak or strong to give credit those things that are beautiful in life.

In the Bible -too- you can see people crying (and missing) old times. I liked that part when their temple was re-built and many old people cried and shed their tears.

Jesus told many things will be torn (Mar_13:1-2 Jesus said to him, "Do you see these large buildings? Not one of these stones will be left on top of another. Each one will be torn down."), but memories are a good stronghold you can keep to build and help other persons.

I was raised in a culture I thought I like. When you convert to God, and His Son Jesus, you will know how wrong some things are. Do you know that conversion calls you to be somewhat Jewish?

I don´t know if you have checked how that process is, but I have seen how some people here are turning to Santeria, to Satanism, since many -like me- abandoned Catholicism to follow Jesus the way the Bible says (step by step) just by leaving their culture and its local biased traditions.

For instances, Patriotism is a sort of cult, a state religion, each local country has taught you and me, to die (while others are sit giving you orders)... Was it Jesus´ teaching? That was a Jewish teaching, instead.

If we want, we are to die for those loved ones, not belonging to a physical country or its state religion. On the contrary, traditions have taught us what served them to keep on ruling our ideas...

The Roman “Holy” Empire once visibly existed in Europe... It laid some teachings that are alive (and kicking). It made its syncretism of ideas to get you (and me) to do what they wanted (and still wants).

Few minutes ago, my mother started fighting with me to go out to buy things she likes for her X-mas (She´s finally gone!). He! He!

I can´t get the point about X-mas: Saturnalia feast enjoyed, under another name?

Is it for teaching about Christ?

Is it to enjoy just few days, like carnivals?

My mother is like grumpy. She is stubborn, rarely compassionate outside her heart, and rarely admits this as a fault; because each day she grumbles about almost anything (making me feel I don´t like her anymore, although she was the person I think I deeply loved, when a child).

I cannot believe a thing when this is taught with a lie.

I remember when I found several boxes my dad tried to hide under the bed, one of those days I cherished and enjoyed the lying. I didn´t have the time to speak sharing thoughts about this. He is gone and not dead (I hope).

X-mas is not my season.

I don´t like carnival either, so I had better to hide on those days they do their things the way I did... (Just see it in Peru: “As of 2010, it has become so violent that the government has imposed heavy penalties of up to eight years in prison ”

My life style calendar has to be changed, one of these days.

I´ll be grumpy for being in a place I don´t want to be in...

P.S.

I am not so grumpy!

Few minutes before I published this blog, my mother gave me a can of creamy peanut butter, so I will keep her in my prayers so she be changed to be the mother she could be the rest of each year.

To someone like you

“@In my quest to find Mr Right (or rather hoping he would find me) I have found that dating seems to be a mission... I want someone who has a relationship with Jesus. But I'm finding more and more that so many single guys have this whole act going on in church. You would be so convinced that they are saved and have a relationship with God only to date them and realize that they are playing church just for their family. How do you even know when someone is genuine and someone is not?” @

I loved what you have said. In fact, you are not the only one seeking that Mr Right. You are not alone, and I hope to find that special person, and reading that “you also hope to be found” made me smile, since I once posted the same on blogger.com, some time ago... Ja! Ja!

Twenty years ago, I thought my Mss Right would be in a church. I used to say to God: “Allow me to find her, in a way she looked like my grandmother...” (She was a Baptist woman, and I had wrong ideas on how my grandma was) But I loved the way she was!

Those days I met one woman I liked (and her name was close to my grandmother's, also) Ja! Ja! (I think God showed me how foolish my ideas were, those days).

I liked that relationship we both developed. I wasn't sure she was my Mss Right, but I married her anyhow, because I believed she was “my” Mss Right (She wasn't mine, telling the truth! Same way I wasn't her Mr Right).

The church, as a mean to find friends or spouses, is the same like outside: There's no guaranty on WHO you would find...

I enjoyed the two first years (We spent 13) and I cannot say how long she enjoyed me, but she endured me! (Same way I stood by her side, since both tried to make it function).

Problems came when we realized we were too different, and things became worst when: 

1.    Baby Joshua came... (Money was an issue at that moment) as this is today!
2.    She invited some of her family to live with us  (that spoiled sexual intimacy, personal space and privacy, and those things you will know when facing it yourselves).
3.    Doctrinal and personal beliefs came along to separate ME from hers (She was a Pentecostal and I still being a non-religious Christian believer).
4.    She used to think she was a leader! (a church leader and HOME leader) and her commitment to her Pentecostal denomination made me feel I was isolated, since I was doing my part at the Christian Churches (not thinking I was a leader) Jesus is my leader! (I came to Christ, as my Lord and Savior, through the work of people from the Team Expansion missionaries). 
5.    I married her for physical relief. It wasn't the love I know now. So I failed from the beginning, and I knew something about her I should have divorced before passively thinking: “Probably God wants me to be married and love her the way she is...”

Genuine love is an unidirectional COMMITMENT, not a fixed feeling I condition for convenience.
You don't know a person unless you live with that one you planned to love or marry.

Doctrinal beliefs should be explored first than touching hands, lips, or any part of the body or those changing feelings.

Church is supposed to be the “ideal” place to find out that idealized person, but look at the stories of Rebecca, who was found IN THE STREET, directed by God through prayers (Abraham's, his servant's and Isaac's human longings).

Look at Ruth story... Look at Booz account and his justice... Those people came from afar and outside the religious synagogue or denominational church. Some churches are a sort of kindergarten, home schools or military hospitals for healing wounded hearts... 

What I'm saying is the Church is not exclusive for finding your Mr or Mss Right!

You cannot find your best choice in a disco, in a bar, in a party where they consume drugs or enjoy cheating.

You cannot get your Mr Right if you see his date several girls in a week or if he/she keeps on wooing a couple of girls/women/men at the same time.

You shouldn't marry a woman who thinks (of herself) she is a leader or tries to lead you, as a man. (Remember the saying: “Behind any big man, there is a big woman...”). 

I love to be the one I am! 

God is not religion, but A WAY TO LIVE, more than this materialistic culture.

Of course, I see how materialistic Rebecca was when RECEIVING all that stuff she received on behalf of IsaacŽs name. I saw how materialistic Isaac and I are when staring at outer beauty, since OUR MINDS are set on things that are conditioned or programmed to be understood by OUR EYES, instead of our hearts (or by the spirit of our minds). 

Did Moses marry an ugly woman?
Did he marry a Cushitic woman while Sephora was alive? (Does any of us know more than God?)

Abraham married a nice looking woman. He met her PERSONALLY, not by a hidden picture nor in a Blind date... Why DO many people hide? I know many like to play their games, but I don't like playing hide & seek.

Jacob wanted a nice looking woman, but Laban tricked him to work 7 more years to get Rachel... How long will you be WORKING TO GET HER?

I leave these things on God's...

I barely get enough to my daily living.


Nov 20, 2013

A.T.

Hospitals

Today I had to visit one hospital for some tests on my heart.
I'm the type of person who seldom goes there, but I had
to check how it functions to see I'd resists the
medical treatment to kill the leishmania.

I saw people's faces,
concerned and feeling pains.
Their fears in sorrow,
their blood, their veins.

I felt how some may feel
the way they looked constrained.
There's blood, pissed up...
And all of these are vain?

Some are grieved
some are hurt
I saw their faces
I saw their pain.

Besides -within these-
there's a malign campaign:
Now, I opened the eyes.
We don't want to be there,

Money is sought,
Tears are shared.
And with a hug
someone's there.

My heart is broken
I've found no tear.
No place to run
I have some fears.

My heart is faulty.
I thought it strong.
Don't want to live it.
I wish I'm gone.

Don't know to sort it.
I wish my home.
This fear I let off.
I ain't buy hopes gone.

I'm not yet dying,
It's slow to go.
I wish I'm gone
This fear is on.

They're badly sad.
I saw that face.
They want their home.
As human race.

Some cried aloud,
Just few smiled.
I saw their blood,
their pain around.


I wish I'd receive my treatment now.
I don't want to spend any more day.


Money is sought,
All hopes're spent;
while many mourn,
I'm home again.

Legs or faces are broken.

Restless nights with longer days...

I'm really glad
That's not my case.

Would God Expect Women To Work Like A Male ?

Well, I am puzzled too.

I played the role of a mother, some time ago (my Joshua is 19 years now and Elisha 17). I wanted to give Josh my best. I never played with "dolls", so that time gave me the chance to learn from my own 1st baby (Elisha wasn´t planned, so I was screwed up in raising two kids).

Time passed by and I know HOW I failed. My ex-wife was a GOOD help. She made more money than me, but money NEVER reached "our" expectations, and diapers and ALL that stuff wasn´t cheap (as you now know).

For me, as a father (and half mother) Ha! Ha! I knew how to hug them the way you like (and I never liked having had one brother at the place I knew as "home" and my mother gave us more brothers and a LOVING STRONG sister).

As a family, man and woman have to settle down what ECONOMY the would LIKE to live and what THEY WOULD LIKE TO ENJOY (make it in a written paper, to avoid forgetting that contract of the economy of their marriage).

The moment I asked my ex-wife to take car of babies, followed my resignation from the job I was getting PART of the money my children needed (my ex-wife was -and IS- good to make money).


After some experiences and learning from other people, you´d have your own opinion (and defending position) on that.

Time WILL TELL YOU MISSED important time while you were working in a PC or in a office to make your children look better, to be dressed up and look fine to "your" eyes (because secretly you didn´t want to be LOOKED DOWN). Time will tell you MANY things you´d like to ignore closing your eyes. Of course! Some children may say: "You don´t love me" or "YOU DIDN´T LOVE ME" (My daughter JOY told me that, because her mom pushed her to think that receiving MONEY IS receiving LOVE; but I know how I love and LOVED her (and all).

Inside the room, YOUR HOME, there is a lot of WORK you won´t never be paid (you don´t need to, by the way). Those days you looked after your child watching all those nights to control the fever, his/her coughing (etc) (etc) won´t be paid. Firstly, THEY CAME HERE because you "called" them to be with you (no child has come without a sexual invitation) (only those you have adopted). 2ndly, that job won´t be paid because it is the best job GOD HAS GIVEN A MAN AND HIS WOMAN (Thank YOU, Lord, for that blessing I enjoyed). 3erly, IT WAS THE ONLY WAY I have to know more deeply my father´s feelings, my GRANDMOTHER´S TOILS, how I was raised and, the last, I KNEW MORE ABOUT GOD WHEN BEING ME, as father (not the best, not the worst) and as temporal "mother".

I hope these ideas serve any of you, unpaid labors who love (and loved) their children and those days that are to pass by. 

To a heartbroken person...

Stories of broken hearted people is ENDLESS, everywhere on earth (and also in Heaven, where I guess someone misses human love).

That pain of being left is selfish, parly. I know it since I grow and grew with it.

When we hurted people, when we left them alone -contrary to their loving will- they suffered that pain and, often, we were not completely conscious of the broken heart we left and the wrong things we did.

When we were left by them, we were aware of the pain, we knew how it hits, and this time we know how it hurts (the lesson serves to avoid hurting or being hurt).

 My life have both extremes and recently, I fell in love with one woman I adjusted to match (the whole thing is long and wrong, and I won´t repeat on telling those blogs I have posted) and that ended on Sept. 2012.

I know I had it a pure feeling, honest love. I could have it in the sensual sense or as a sexual relationship, but I stopped it before it was too late, because I was deeply involved with her.

The thing here, as a broken hearted man, when you knew you got the wrong person, we have to accept their refusal, their leaving away, their choice for another person... All are free to do it, to choose for another (if not married, because it is a long-termed commitment).

This year, by the way, I met with someone I have loved for more than 20 years. Innerly, as a secret, I planned that one day I could meet her to marry her (the way I thought I knew her) but, after some hours of re-encounter with a group of people, I found out I was wrong, she was not the one I thought she was and not the one I thought she would be when being Christian, so I´m glad I know I was wronged by my ideas and not others.

Do you like to find yourself being cheated, to find out you have loved an adulterer?

I´m glad he left you! No matter how painfully it is today, little girl.

I have liked many songs of JOURNEY. Steve Perry seemed to have lived some of his songs but, as I have seen, "love" is an idealization, a dream seldom found.

Hope you find him!