I think

sometimes, I cannot close my eyes
to breathe in the air she leaves going by.

I just tried to figured out
and I felt fainted: Shot at my eyes.

I don´t think I could breathe
with a sigh, holding back enough air.

Just to hide - with a lie-
I´m not feeling alive, once again.


A.T.

Few notes on Reward Systems

I guess many knows them here. These are raised and developed since we were born, cared, hugged and loved. It changed and was modeled when we went to school and that served us when we went to work. Money, power and several sort of human pleasures added some mood to our reward system.

I remember many things of childhood. Some are not nightmares visiting me each day, because I acknowledged those things I made wrong and those that were done by someone who also failed. I'm not the only part who is responsible for the good -and evil facts- that shaped my life. I should be more responsible for my loved ones, my children, and other's children too.

My reward system knows whom I like, what things I like and don't and -of course- money is on top of those cheap things we can be giving others to nurture (and shape) their reward system.

My daughter is on a new life stage. She thinks she is beautiful, desirable, date-able and strong. I'm trying to help her, but she is just where the “help” she wants is out is my hand (and I'm out of her priorities in her reward system). She is where she takes and misses what she thinks best, but I will not stop giving her some advices, I will try to coach as much as I can, and I know she is strong willed (somehow stubborn).

I know my son's visceral reward system. They're enjoying what I try my daughter avoid, as long as I see viscerality is not good out of marriage. Those brothers I have are very well known and sought (and demanded) and, of course, they have no ears to hear what I'm trying to say: Don't use ladies, don't abuse those who love you; but I have no control on their life, I'm not a cop to watch what they do in their privacy (and out of my reach).

I'm being rude to tell Joy those risks she could sort out when knowing most of those guys who would pretend her loving are just seeking the same thing my sons do with other girls in those neighborhoods I don't know.

Reward systems are too egotic, too self-poised (erotic and stubborn).

The school helped us to be the persons we are. That social interaction helped us to be the one we liked and those one we hate having been. There we shaped the good and the evil we know know. We had a reward system there that helped us to be the ones we are now.

Did you like history, science or arts? Those grades we received pushed our ego to seek what we liked and, later on, those likes helped us to get money instead of the approval (and social recognition) grades gave us in childhood at several schools.

My mother is not that one who would come to hug you and say: “I love you”. But if you just give her a bag of milk power (or coffee) she will be happy and honestly thankful, because her reward system is alive (and kicking) at her 73. Ha! Ha!

Some of us knew differently how each personal reward system works. Mine could be too hedonistic, while others are so stoic and holier than many (or few).

Some persons “modeled” their reward system into a compulsion. Some do like to change how their life looks like, other do like to move and change their furniture or the paint color in their houses, but other keep on cleaning the house the whole day and get annoyed when they feel “nobody helps them clean the house”. Have you heard that?

Perhaps you are the owner of the entire house -at least a single room- and those persons come inside your room (your life) to try to change your whole world... Wee!

It is their compulsion, their reward system asking you to get involved in those things you don't like, you don't need or have bypassed largely, for months or years.

Some of them, needing some sort of daily achievement, will ask you to remove the trash can THEY SAY it's in the kitchen, your bedroom, or the backyard (but their closet -and drawers- are full of useless stuff, clothing they will never use again, and they are unwilling to give the needy outside that “home”).

I remember some of my ex-wife's tiny compulsion (now). When she cleaned my space, she made me live a mess. I'm messy, but I got lost when she moved my things out of where “I knew” I left some papers and things. It was so disturbing that I moved to the next floor on the same house we've built and, when we sold it to move to the countryside, I moved twice to avoid her compulsions... Ha! Ha! That did not make me to be a wanderer (I already was) But I was a homie being who loved the order I gave my life, particularly when I had my own room, at the apartment my brother Alain and I knew as home, as long as we lived with my dad's mother and her family.

Mónica, on the contrary, did the same chores, but often asked me permission to move my messy things and I often did THAT JOB with her and -her whole life- richly blessed my messy life (I'm not perfect, but Mónica's life gave me those lessons I needed to improve my reward system).

I'm happy now!

I became somewhat over-sharer here (as often) and stopped to think on the blessing God has given me (to enforce and develop my reward system). The family where I grew up, the things I did, the persons I like (and dislike) served me to get the place where I am, the man I am, and the person I could be.

Deep inside me I laughed (hiding some tears you won't see). I guess these words could useless, unnecessary, but I write to balance “the compulsion” I feel to give, to share, to say: “I have lived” and I know my children won't read these words now, and I want to give them some written support to keep in them the memory that I love -and loved- them forever.

These years went so fast. I removed myself from the home I thought I could build close to their life, but my life was a mess with their mother, and I could live a life like that. She is not a monster! Otherwise, I wouldn't have touched her as she touched my life and mind. But we don't belong (and that ended up).

We, as human, having an unique and particular reward system, must know who we are before approaching people. We are not made as a puzzle, but we are puzzled for things (and persons) we cling, liked or tried to get inside our personal reward system.

Have you hugged your children and wife?

Have you told them you love them for free, for the persons they are (telling them how you see them or how you thought they were)?

Reward system has to be enforced (for the good you like and for those things you would like to see).

School gave us good grades on history, psychology, Spanish or English... Those good grades gave us some popularity, some social recognition and “friends” tagged along; but those things served us to be the person we wanted to be, the ones we are now, and gave us the needed information we're using to be the persons we want to be.

Jobs gave us money, as a reward (instead of good grades) and that served us to buy things we thought we needed and to buy stuff we believed others needed. Money is a reward system enforcer (pain also teaches) and its value is above above those grades we received at schools.

Money will not serve you to buy love, but to enforced those things you would like to receive (and see). Social approval cannot be bought by money (not by good grades) but it gives you the recognition some people may think they need to get things their personal achievement is missing or wanting.

I have seen some persons want to buy love and social recognition with money. Good grades were sought at school to get people's attention, social recognition, but those things never said who you really are, the person who is inside the clothing you wear as a mask.

Your deeds speaks louder than your words and words can be used to get social recognition, good grades and money also, but God's approval is above anything. You can buy the world, but the world can sell you as a simple stuff in the social market.

Anyone can be deceived by the world and its reward system.

Society can label you the way they think, or the way you want them to label you. You can buy your “good grades” with anything you have to offer: money, sex, hard work, etc., but glory is bought with sacrifice, honoring God instead of any human (or woman).

Worldly reward system can be “cracked” by lies, but God's cannot not: There's the example of Jesus Christ.

I'm not concerned about eternity. In fact, I'm not over-concerned for anything, but I'd like to teach my kids to acknowledge God instead of this world reward system. If I were not sure He is not the Person I know He is, I would not try to say a word; but my children are not completely deaf, same as yours (in fact, some of us were spiritually deaf and blind, and some people words -and their works- reached us, somehow).

I hope my children love God instead of any world reward system they might find soon.

Mind playing games

This morning I was "dreaming" with things I don't want to. I don't know how, but I have found out my mind is self-willed, she does what she does when I am not awaken, being slept, or falling asleep.

I don't know how to ague to teach her not to do those things SHE IS NOT ALLOWED to do (or tell me).

I don't like her when she says those things I don't want to pay attention to.

I felt disgusted! She has repeated the same “message” she has sent me a couple of times.

I do know who I like, how I could love and -of course- I know my limits to be the perfect lover (the perfect person) the one I'll never be (but I could try to be like that man she thinks -she wants- and deserves).

In that dream (not a nightmare) I saw my ex-wife this morning. (Jan 16, 2014).

If my mind would have warned me to pray for her, I would have prayed aloud but, when she asked me to love her, I feel I hated my mind for playing those bad games.

I'm over! I'm over! (and I don't like her, anymore)

Some of us know the mind has its plays, and also know GOD can use them to talk to our hearts. Bad spirits, also, could “help” the mind to say their lies, so we'd better stay tuned with God's will.

My mind could be a good mate to talk when being or traveling alone a big leg trip on this single life. But I must admit she doesn't behave well when she's left alone to do her things, woke up or slept away.

Reply to a question about rare/odd people... (Draft)

In considering some of questions you asked, Internet served me A LOT to drain my frustrations when I was in the process of divorce, years ago. I was hurt and I guess I was hurting people for those things I said and, but the way, GOD sent me a Catholic friend who helped me to be healed and she, with love, helped me to overcome that sorrow, bitterness, and we became dear friends (we never met personally, but that helped me more than I guess).

On the internet I learned to know me deeply or, if this wasn't like that, my emotional mind was shaped because of the personal or emotional intercourse I got with people online reading my stuff, poetry, blogs or whatever rubbish thin I wrote. I kept files of those things I considered important and, being in the process of being divorced, feeling myself despised, etc., I knew I was guilty of many things and knew I WAS NOT THE ONLY PERSON HURT; so I started to help others same way I have been helped by my friend who always stood "close" and willing to help me DURING YEARS.

On the Internet I knew whom I was, more better than interacting personally with the people I knew, because we often tend to be so superficial.

On line I met a couple of persons I got too involved: For love, for infatuation; but I lacked those experiences, because I was more mundane and my life started to change by 1994, when I was married and interacting with Christlike people I NEVER KNEW personally, up to the day Jesus helped me see and interact with them.

Regarding my being grinchy or grumpy, I don't try to hide or lie. Today, in the morning, a man came to visit my mother and give her his greeting for a new year (a thing I don't see as many). I approached him to say hello and, after few minutes, I couldn't stop myself from telling him my opinion on the several times I have seen him talking to drug consumers, rejected people who live in the streets, homeless, because he is able to feel sympathy and dislikes injustice, and we shared a couple of things I never heard before (those I recommended him to write). He is not Christian, but have lived with those he named "Christian". He wants to know the meaning of life (many things) but he is the type of honest person that will tell you, openly: "I am homosexual and got AIDS".  I like that honesty of him. I think he is brave, a man, because he doesn't lie like the average people I have known and, today, GOD gave me the chance to preach on him (a little).


I'm telling you this personal thing because it happened today (Jan 1st, 2014). I'm telling you I admire people like him and, of course, he knows I won't touch him by hugging or shaking my hands with him (I told him that and behaved that way I said) but he left my mother's home so HAPPY, hugging her the first time (in years), feeling he wasn't rejected for the person he is and he understood why I could be far from his arms, because I try to give no chance to mistakes.

In fact, I told my mother: "Hey! This is the first time you are being hugged by REAL MAN, mother... Lucky you, mom!" and we laughed for a while.

That MAN was happy and told us things I wish I could blog, but I insisted on him to write down his story because, as I said to him: "If I had a record of you talking, if I had the mic in front of you, you will not tell all those things so freely. But LIFE deserves knowing you the way you are, they deserve to know what things you have done in life. I don't care you like men, except you liked me, because I don't like you" (He laughed at this).

Well! I'd better stop this.

People are what they are. I prefer to be me, rather than pretending to be another.

I don't care if I am misunderstood, the problem is not mine, but those who never asked, those who are superficial, those who are the way I don't like (and no one needs me, by the way).

I'm happy, to certain degree.